Wait, I USED to have a flat tummy….

So the other day I found a couple of old pics of me from when we lived in Savannah. I’m not posting them b/c they are risque and my brothers read this blog. Not to mention that I’m sure P wouldn’t want me posting htme here. Anyway, I had a flat tummy back then and I had totally forgotten that fact. Now I definitely do not have a flat tummy. In fact, I have gained about 12 lbs in the past few months. I am up to 142 which is 8 lbs away from my personal fat weight. Now I know that some of you reading this will probably be rolling your eyes at my weight and thinking that I am a delusional bitch for thinking that I need to lose weight; however, I need to lose 10 lbs. 130-132 lbs is my good, healthy weight. When I worked at a health club and worked out 5 days/week that was my weight. When we lived in Svannah, that was my average weight. I am now dead set on getting back to that weight.

There are several factors that I think have contributed to this weight gain. I haven’t been exercising regularly which I am sure contributed to it. Living in Savannah, I exercised about 4-5 days per week and did a lot of walking on the weekends when we were in the Historic District. Here on the weekends, we drink, eat and try to stay cool. We don’t have a nice, pretty, entertaining Historic District. Even though we ate out a lot in Savannah, I typically burned it off through running, yoga and walking. I live a much more sedentary lifestyle here and it’s starting to show.

Another factor is that I quit taking Metformin since I made so many diet changes. Metformin helps regulate your insulin and I take b/c PCOS can cause insulin resistance. Insulin resistance can casue weight gain. Needless to say, I started Metformin again this morning.

Lack of freaking motivation because I live in Leesville, LA and hate it. There, I said it. Yes, I love my job and we’ve paid off a lot of debt since living here but I am reaching my limit of how long I can live here. This year of stability can’t get over soon enough. I cannot wait to live in civilization again.

My back issues and infertility issues have also played a part in why I’ve gained weight. It’s hard to get the motivation to eercise when you feel like you’re being stabbed in the back or when you are doubled over b/c of PCOS and/or endometriosis. It’s not fun. I’m trying to find ways to work through/around these issues. I can’t wait until I start physical therapy for my back-hopefully it will work wonders.

Seing those old pics of me inspired me. I can have that body again b/c I had that body about 18 months ago. I have the tools, I just have to do it.

Happy Father’s Day…..

Sure wish that we could see P’s son, Connor but his mom is a bitch so we don’t even get pictures unless I snatch them off Myspace when she forgets to make them private. Anyway, here’s a picture of him.

Sleepy Connor

Life with one vehicle is actually going really well. I like it and I especially like not having a second car payment. It’s also making me workout in the mornings because I have to get up to take P to work so I might as well hit the gym while I’m there. We’ve actually got a good system down now and are in no hurry to get a second vehicle.

My sis in law is still bat shit crazy and I spend way too much texting with her. It’s fascinating really, the things that she says. I forget that she’s 29 and not 17-she’s so immature in so many ways. Social services in CA is still working with her and supposedly, accorcing to her, she’s doing everything that she is supposed to do. Her daughter, S, turns 1 year tomorrow and I sent her a few things from WalMart. Ok, so back to the crazy texting because she’s texting me right now. She was telling me how P, my hubby, had some fabulous going away party when he joined the Army. Ummm, if he did he sure doesn’t remember it. She also tried to tell me that he was drinking 40s and smoking weed when he was 10 yrs old…..yeah, not so much. She also has 2 different baby daddies, no job, no GED, no diploma but thinks that she can make it on her own with no help, one child and a baby on the way. Oh yeah and she thinks that she will meet Obama and he will help her to get housing. Seriously, bat. shit. crazy.

One month from today P and I will be going to the RE for our first infertility consultation with him. I am PSYCHED!!!! We are hoping and praying to get pregnant before 2010 so that we don’t have to start this process once we move to another Army post. I am not looking forward to all the injections but if it works then it will all be worth it. I find myself day dreaming about how it will be to have a baby in the home with us and the zoo. I see moms at the store and I picture myself shopping with a little baby attached to me in a sling. I look on Ebay for baby stuff even though we are not pregnant. One day it will happen, it just has to.

In addition for making infertility appointments, I now am making appointments for my back. The MRIs showed 2 protruding discs in my thoracic region. PT and nerve blocks here I come. I have had to modify my exercise routine with my weight lifting and I’ve had to modify how I work-no more sitting for hours cleaning up case files. Hopefully I’ll get a nerve block before the end of the summer so I can get back to normal. The sucky thing is that I will be dealing with this on and off for the rest of my life. I’m only 33 but this diagnosis made me feel 63.

Ok, off to run in this suffocating heat.

Poem and a song about infertility

A friend of mine posted this poem on a message board. I don’t know the author.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother
There are women that become mothers without effort,
without thought, without patience or loss
and though they are good mothers and love their children,
I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation
are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him
and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill,
take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to,
I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.
I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.
I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

I Would Die For That Lyrics
Artist(Band):Kellie Coffey

Jenny was my best friend.
Went away one summer.
Came back with a secret
She just couldn’t keep.
A child inside her,
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.

And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept.
To young to know that one day
She might live to regret.

But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had.
I would die for that.

I’ve been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We’re told not to give up.
He wonders if it’s him.
And I wonder if it’s me.

All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won’t understand it
If it’s not meant to be.

Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it’s like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,
What I’d give up!
I would die for that.

Sometimes it’s hard to conceive,
With all that I’ve got,
And all I’ve achieved,
What I want most
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
“I love you, Mom.”

I would die for that.
Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it’s like
To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.
I would die …
I would die for that.
Link to her myspace:

http://www.myspace.com/kelliecoffeyartistpage

So many thoughts, so little time to blog

I really need to start blogging from work everyday but some days I just don’t have time. My job continues to keep me busy and make me happy which are both great things. My coworkers and I had noticed a steep incline of soldiers getting chaptered out of the Army. According to the Army Times, the powers that be are finally cracking down on drug and alcohol infractions. They are doing this in part to clean up the Army-remember all those waivers that got in under the last Administration b/c we desperately needed soldiers-but also to tackle the problem of suicides in the ranks. Depression and substance abuse are very closely linked so this rationale has merit. My fear is that some of the local commanders are not referring soldiers to ASAP-substance abuse program-but rather just chaptering them out to “get rid of the problem/” Now yes, many of thses soldiers need to bt put out of the Army but I also think that returning from a deployment is quite stressful which is perhaps why these soldiers are abusing substances. That thinking is also discussed in the article but I can’t post the article b/c I have to pay to subscribe to the Army Times in order to get it from the website and I’m too cheap for that right now :p

bye-bye, Saturn

I totaled my car last week. I had a brain fart and I rear ended a Mustang while leaving post to head home. The reason that my car is totaled and the Mustang has scratches is becase the freaking thing was reinforced for racing-internal roll bars, steel reinforced bumber. Yeah, my Saturn didn’t have a fighting chance. If we actually get what the insurance told us, we’ll ba able to pay off the car AND pay off a credit card I’ve already decided that we will be aone car family until we PCS out of here. Between my job and the extra $265 (my old car payment) per month, we should be able to put over $1000 into savings, pay off our couch and possibly pay off another credit card before moving. That means we would leave here only owing on 2 credit cards!!!!*happy dance* Owing on only 2 cards would be a mega huge deal for us since we once owed on 9 credit cards. I also want to get my credit fixed-damn you Verizon and your massive error-before we buy another car. FYI-fixing an error on your credit reports can be a huge pain in the ass, even when you have proof to back it up.

I turn 33 in one week and I don’t feel a day over 25. I asked my hubby for 2 things for my birthday-the new DMB CD super deluxe box set and the new Ben Harper and the Relentless 7 CD/DVD set. I’m a simple girl trying to get back to my hippie, chilled out roots. Ben Harper and DMB was one of the best concerts of my life. Ahh, the carefree days of college…..

We have a grill now and it rocks my world. I haven’t cooked meat in over a week because that is now hubby’s job He marinades it and cooks it; I cook sides while the meat is grilling. Best thing ever!! So far we’ve had steak, burgers, blackened salmon (delicious!), carne asada and BBQ chicken. This week I think that will we have shrimp, fish, a Mexican dish and something yet to be decided. I will be spending plenty of time on the internet today searching for grilling recipes and side dish ideas.

We are still rolling along on the infertility train. This month I am giving up tobacco and alcohol all together. Yes, yes, I realize that it’s late in the game to give up those things but I had drastically cut down on both over the past year. I’ve already given up aspartame, saccharin, soy (for the most part-soy is in almost everything!), caffeine, MSG and I’ve been trying to buy organic whenever possible. I’ve started drinking green tea, cut down on sugar and increased the amount of fruit and veggies that I eat. I’ve also cut out all citrus fruits because of the effect they can have on cervical mucous. I’m still counting down the days until we see the RE in Alexandria. Please, oh please let IUI not be crazy expensive on TriCare and please let it be a viable option for us.

I hear that a new iPhone is coming out this summer. I must have it.