I have debated writing this post for several days because I know that some readers out there who don’t really know me will probably think the total worst about me. After much thought, I have decided to write it…not necessarily for me but to let others out there know that they are not alone. I welcome comments but any hateful, rude or just plain mean ones will be deleted. Suggestions, questions and support are welcomed.
As y’all know, we got custody of the babes. They are here with me and we are adjusting. I also started lu.pron in preparation for IVF 1.0 next month. P is still in Afghanistan. Life has not been easy for the past couple of weeks.
I want to believe that my feelings that I am about to share are because of the lu.pron. I really think that they are, and so does my husband as well as a close friend of mine. The only way I will ever really know (I guess) is when I finally get off the lu.pron.
We went from having no children to having a 2.5 yr old girl and a 1 yr old boy. We’ll call her SB and him JM. I love them, I think. Yeah, I know-the vast majority of y’all probably want to smack me right now. Trust me, that’s better than what I though about doing to myself. I’m having trouble bonding to them….especially to SB. Note *I* am having troyble bonding, not that they are having bonding or attachment issues. I don’t know what it could be, other than my hormones wreaking havoc on my emotions and mind.
Last week I actually told my husband that I thought we made a huge mistake by getting the babes….and I also said that maybe I am not supposed to be a mother and maybe we shouldn’t go through with IVF. I mean HOW could I be meant to be a mother when I was considering giving back the babes when I have never even considered giving back one of our dogs or cats? I wrote him an email, in tears…kind of like now while I’m typing. I didn’t know who else to talk to other than him…I feared that anyone else would yell at me or tell me that I was stupid or worse yet, tell me that I was right….that I was not meant to be a mother.
I Googled “problems attaching with adopted child” and found a blog post about a mother who had problems attaching to her adoptive daughter. It’s like she was typing what I was feeling. *relieved sigh* I’m not alone. I talked to another friend about what I was feeling (she also happens to be a therapist) and she listened, without judgment. She reminded me that things would get better, this was probably due to the lu.pron and reminded me that I can call her any time and tell her anything (I cannot explain how wonderful and relieved that made me feel.)
So here we are, days later after my breakdown. I still feel….I don’t even know how to describe it. It feels like depression; like all I want to do is stay in bed all day and sleep. But then again it almost feels like I feel nothing at all…all I know is that I don’t like it at all.
Of course, we are not giving the babes back. They are ours. I am working diligently to bond to both of them. I am figuring out ways to especially build an attachment to SB…I truly think that I have the more difficult time with her because I have never wanted a daughter nor pictured myself with a daughter. I’ve always wanted boys. And no, it’s not due to some f’ed up relationship with my mother-I actually have a fucking fantastic momma. I don’t why it is that I’ve never pictured myself as having a daughter. Maybe I need to explore that in therapy.
So there you have it. The babes and I are making it day by day and learning to be with each other and love each other.
Updated Dec 31, 2010
Wow, I cannot express to y’all how much your love and support means. Seriously, I have been in tears (happy ones) over all the messages of love and support. Thank you <3