Day by Day…..

I haven’t gone a day without crying.

I haven’t gone a day without praying that it wasn’t true.

Some days I am hopeful and hopeless at different times on the same days.

Everyday I am terrified that FET will not work.

Everyday I thank God for my family, friends and especially my amazing husband who makes me feel supported all the way from Afghanistan.

I have a plan because, well….plans make me feel better and more in control. I have become a BeachBody coach and plan to work through P90X (for a second time, love it!) and then Insanity so that I can get in shape and lose the IUI/IVF weight that I’ve gained over the past 2 years. I really want to make my BeachBody business work so that we can become debt free and so that we can save up money for future infertility treatments. My goal this week is to get through all the BB training so that I can really get started in this. For me, it’s not just about making money; it’s also about helping people improve their lives and get healthy. Here are my sites (so far) http://beachbodycoach.com/esuite/home/liberalgranola (My BeachBody page) and http://myshakeology.com/esuite/home/liberalgranola (my Shakeology page). I drink the chocolate Shakeology everyday and I freaking love it! Look for more posts on here about me getting in shape and helping others

My health/fitness goal is to lose 2 dress sizes, which will get me back to where I was before starting injectable infertility medications. It is a totally do-able goal for me. Also I’ll be smokin’ hot for P when he returns from deployment

I realize that there is no way that I can do FET without P here. Doing this fresh IVF cycle without him here, while being solely responsible for the kiddos was way too stressful. I have my WTF appt with the RE next month and I plan to talk to him about FET in detail, including letting him know my reasons for waiting. This failed IVF cycle has just been so emotionally and physically draining….I now know that I need P here with me for support.

I could not have gotten through this without the amazing support from my friends online. Seriously, y’all are a lifeline to me. Yo have people who understand, support me and don’t judge me is so wonderful. I love y’all.

In 48 hours…..

I will be PUPO! I am so excited and scared. I wish that P was here for all of this. Depending on other people (besides him) makes me nervous and generally uncomfortable.

Our 6 embabies are doing fine as of yesterday <3 They are all average to high quality and I won't get another update on them until the morning of the transfer. I am praying that all is well and that we get a healthy baby from this IVF cycle.

Ugh, and now I'm crying again. Damn hormones!

MilSpouse Friday Fill In

Thanks again to the creator of this Wife of a Sailor

1. What is the longest road trip you’ve ever taken?
Probably my college graduation trip to Colorado from Alabama. I had a BLAST and completely fell in love with Colorado during the week that I spent in Estes Park.

2. Do you collect anything? Tell us a bit about it.
I collect shot glasses from places that I’ve been as well as places that my friends/family visit. My Daddy built a collection case for me and I will soon be asking to build another one.

3. What is your favorite part about being an adult?)
Being married! Seriously, I love being married to my best friend and sharing a life with him.

4. What song brings a tear to your eye?
Glitter by P!nk, Bubbly by Colbie Caillat (we danced to that at our wedding) and More Time by Needtobreathe

5. Describe your first plane ride (how old you were, where you were heading, etc).
Hmmmm, I am really not sure. I remember flying to TX and NV to visit grandparents when I was 16 years old but I am not sure if that was my first plane ride or not. Nonetheless, I enjoy flying and actually flew to Japan on my own to see my brother while he lived there.

Now it’s your turn My MilSpouse friends

MilSpouse Friday Fill-In

THanks again to Wife of a Sailor for starting this!

1. What characteristic about yourself has either been strengthened or weakened due to your experience as a Military Spouse?
My independence and ability to take care of everything has been stregthened. I love and adore my husband, but I have learned to do all the daily stuff on my own, while still working full time, while he’s deployed.

2. What is your favorite vacation spot and why?
Hmmmm, i really don’t know. We used to live in Savannah so to me it felt like we were almost living in a vacation for 2 years. I would love to go back there for an extended vacation

3. If you could have any fast-food restaurant in the food court on base/post what would you pick?
I don’t even know what’s available in the food court here, lol! Right now my fast food favorite, in general, is Five Guys Burgers and Fries. My mouth is watering just thinking about the bacon cheeseburger there….

4. Where did you go on your honeymoon?
We didn’t have a honeymoon. We got married on the beach at Tybee Island and then PCS’d just a few days later. After this deployment we want to visit D.C. and then in a few years we want to take an anniversary trip to Ireland.

5. If you could have any job in the world regardless of money, degree or experience, which job would you have and why?
Hmmmm, probably a photojournalist. I love photography and I would like to travel to places like Sudan, Haiti, etc to take pictures to not only show the hardships of the area but to show the beauty of the people there.

TGIF-MilSpouse Friday Fill In

1. What secret indulgence do you act on while your spouse is away?
It’s not really secret but I watch all the shows and movies that he’s not interested in. Currently I am finishing up the Alias series and will then start Mad Men. I watch documentaries/docudramas that he’d never watch, Like ones about Che. I also find that I am reading A LOT more (well, excpet for this week) and I am very happy about that. Whenever I get back into reading I remember how much I love it and realize how much I’ve missed it.
Oh yeah, and I eat frozen fishsticks-he HATES those :-p

2. If you were a spice, what would you be?
Cumin. I heart it so much and add it to any Mexican dish that I cook.

3. Where do you go for support when your significant other is deployed?
Friends, family, church and my furbabies. There is nothing like a cuddly kitty or a doggie kiss to brighten a bad deployment day.

4. What is the oldest thing you own?
I honestly have no idea….probably a courdoroy skirt that I bought when I was a freshmen in college.

5. How did you vision your future pre-military?
I wanted to live in a big city, in a hip section of town and be a stay at home granola momma. Actually, I still want that The essentials of my dreams for the future didn’t change much when I met P and married him. He supports my dreams and in fact has helped me to develop more dreams

Thanks Wifey for another set of fun questions!

MilSpouse Friday Fill-In

1. Tell us about your dream job… one that you could do regardless of pay.
I would LOVE to own an animal rescue, out in the coutry where there would be plenty of room for playing and lounging in the sun.

2. What is your most prized material possession (kids and pets don’t count!)?
There are 3 A necklace that my oldest brother had made for me before he deployed, a jade necklace that my middle (older) brother gave to me and my engagement ring.

3. What has been your favorite duty station and why?
It’s a tie between HAAF in Savannah and Ft. Carson, CO (where we are now). I loved Savannah for so many reasons-the history, tons of things to do, close to the beach, great shopping and the sheer beauty of it. I love Colorado Springs too-the mountains, plenty to do and see, 4 seasons and snow

4.What is your least favorite household chore?
Folding and putting away dishes. I DESPISE IT.

5.If you could give one piece of advice to a teenager today (not specifically a MilTeen), what would it be?
Don’t get a credit card until you can pay it off in full every month. Learned that lesson the hard way.

MilSpouse Friday Fill-In

Thank you Wife of a Sailor for coming up with this!

This week’s questions are:

1. How did you and your spouse/significant other meet?
I picked him up in a bar

2. What is the best thing about being a MilSpouse?
To me there are so many great things about being a MilSpouse. I love getting to move to different places and experience different parts of the country. Another perk to the moving is that I have met friends that I never would have met if I wasn’t a MilSpouse.

3. What is the hardest thing about being a MilSpouse?
I think the hardest thing is the lack of communication (especially for submarines) and the constant worry. But the good BY FAR outweigh the bad.

4. What is your favorite dish?
It depends on my mood. Overall I am a huge fan of Mexican food and could literally eat chips and salsa every single day. I also love fresh seafood and local fish. A good fish and chips rocks my world when served with a good beer and let’s not forget my love of buffalo wings.

5. If you could change one thing in this world, what would it be?
I wish that people would appreciate and protect the environment to a greater degree than what’s currently being done. Protectly the environment and finding alternative energy sources would help improve quality of life for all of Earth’s inhabitants.

Ok, now it’s your turn If you’re a MilSpouse (that includes significant others) take part in this wonderful thing that Wife of a Sailor has started.

I am like a 5 year old before the holidays

It all hit me in the past couple of days. I cannot wait to live Colorado. Yes, being an Army family we might only be there a couple of years but I will soak it all up. No offense to any of my web friends, but I never wanted to live in Louisiana. Yes, I love the cuisine-so happy that it’s crawfish season-and I’ve made some awesome friends, but Louisiana is not my cup of tea. Colorado IS my cup of tea.

I visited Colorado for a week or so right out of college. My then boyfriend and I drove from Alabama to Estes Park, CO in 2 days and then we explored the town and the National Park. I fell in love with the state. I still remember the peacefulness that came over me as we drove in and saw the mountains. I remember the people, the food, the beer, the snow (in JUNE!) and everything. I fell in love. Right then and there I knew that one day I wanted to live in Colorado. I never could’ve predicted that it would be with an Army man and our zoo.

The other morning, walking to the car it hit me-I would rather be temporarily homeless and jobless in Colorado than stable and fine here. I know that we can find a home there-have a great lead on a rental (thanks Brittany!) if we can’t buy. I know that I can get some sort of job there to supplement the on call job that is waiting for me.
I know all of this, but sometimes I forget.

The important thing is that I am getting to live out a dream of mine AND it’s with the most wonderful man in the world.

I’m whining again….blah

Ok, first of all I really am a strong military wife. P and I signed up for this (as in, we made the joint decision for him to re-enlist and have agreed that he will retire from the military) and we didn’t do so lightly. We knew that there would be deployments, moving, etc. We are also thankful for the benefits of him being in the military-healthcare, some infertility benefits, job stability, etc. I love being a military wife but at times, I must whine about it.

We got a bit of deployment confirmation today….unofficial but still a bit official. Confused yet? Anyway, it’s ok, we knew that he would get deployed and he needs another deployment for his career. It’s just, ugh….I don’t know how to explain to people who haven’t experienced it but I will try. I feel pride, love, anxiety, sadness, nauseous all at once. It’s knowing that in a matter of months you will say goodbye to your soulmate for many months and possibly forever. Yes, it’s not a popular topic but it’s a real one to me because two Army wives that I know on the internet lost their husbands to war. It’s not something that P or I focus on but we have talked about it and will probably talk about it more before he leaves. It’s realizing that in so many months (cannot say numbers due to OPSEC) I will be running our home on my own, with all responsibilities being mine for at least a year. Can I do that? Hell yeah I can. Do I look forward to it? No. Well, except for having complete control of the TV remote :-p It’s realizing that in less than a year’s time I will move to a new city, find a new job, buy a home, find a new fertility dr, *hopefully* get pregnant and send my husband to war. Wow. When I look at it all typed out I’m surprised that I am not a raging alcoholic by now.

I really hate to be such a downer but I have to get this out somewhere and blogging helps me organize my thoughts and emotions. P and I have been fighting much of the day today-not like all out screaming, more like bickering-because of the stress. We are fine and we know that it is the stress but knowing and being able to completely stop it are two different things. Thankfully both P and I know that we will do fine over deployment and we will come out of it stronger than ever. In fact, it’s the time before the deployment that is so difficult because you know it’s coming and sometimes the unknowns take over your head. At those times-which are actually not too often yet-I have to remind myself that we have plenty of awesome days before he leaves; that we need to continue to make time to have fun and enjoy each other; and that we cannot waste our time worrying about what might happen when he’s fighting a war. We have a great life and I know that it will only get better.