A Wonderful Sunburned Weekend

P and I have enjoyed a wonderful, beautiful weekend. Friday night we did our normal thing-watched movies and drank at home. I normally go to Zumba on Saturday mornings but P asked me to please spend the whole day with him, so we went fishing We got up, got breakfast, bought supplies at Dick’s and then headed to the Skaguay Reservoir for a day of fishing.

On the way...

LOVE fishing in the mountains

Pretty flower

The master at work

Beautiful clear water

We didn’t catch any fish but spending quality time alone, with no cell phone reception was great. We both got sunburned and then went to a local Mexican joint for food. I think that we are going to do some river fishing next weekend. Hopefully we’ll catch something so that we can have fresh fish for dinner

Today we spent much of our day helping our friend, Sarah, move to her new house. Most people might like consider that fun but it seriously was fun. So happy for her that she bought a home and I can’t wait to spend time over there with her painting and having girl time when P deploys. After helping her we grabbed lunch at Red Robin’s and went to Whole Foods. Yes, heart Whole Foods so much. Sundays have traditionally been our days to run errands and spend time together. They will be very hard for me when P leaves.

In other news, my therapist is awesome and has volunteered to take me to the egg retrieval and embryo transfer when the time comes. When I mentioned going to BWW while P is gone, she also said that she would go there and to SB with me if needed. I could not be happier about her being my therapist and firmly believe that I would not be able to make it through all of this without her. If you are going through fertility challenges or deployment, I highly recommend therapy.

Now I’m off to watch the series finale of The Tudors with the best husband in the world.

It’s All Really Happening

We had an IVF consultation today with Dr. G from CCRM. Seriously love this RE. He was full of smiles, information and laughed at my husband’s twisted sense of humor. He and the nurse also wrote out notes for us so that I didn’t have to take my own notes So here is what it going to happen in the monitoring cycle:
-Call the office on CD1 to schedule testing.
-CD2 or 3, have tests for the following levels: estradiol, FSH, LH and AMH
-Between CD5 and 13 I’ll have the following tests: baseline u/s (resting follicle count and looking for any abnormalities), hysteroscopy, dopplers (to check the blood flow to my uterus; no caffeine for 72 hrs prior); more blood work; meet with RE and IVF nurse to discuss the protocol for me (already told me that I can use my left over Follistim).
-Also, I’ll need to have a pap smear, annual exam (with breast exam), CBC, TSH, rubella, varicella and blood typing done locally. Yeah, I need to find an OB/GYN like tomorrow.
-P will having a repeat SA, including a check for antisperm antibodies and a culture. He will also be freezing his swimmers on 2 other occasions.
-I also have to be tested for cystic fibrosis and spinal muscular dystrophy.

After the monitoring cycle it’s GAME ON! I’ll stim for 9-14 days and undergo monitoring during that time (like I’ll be driving to Denver every 1-3 days). Next will be the egg retrieval and ICSI with P’s frozen swimmers (he’ll be in the sandbox). We will be doing a Day 5 transfer and we will be transferring 2 and then freezing the rest (yes, I am being optimistic that we will have several good embies). They use a “flash freeze” (my words, not his-can’t remember exactly what he said) which improves the FET pregnancy rate (NOT live birth rate) to 70%, which is the same pregnancy chance we’ll have with the fresh IVF cycle. By transferring 2 on Day 5, we’ll have a 70% chance of pregnancy and a 30-40% chance of twins (YES!)

Now, for the things that I can’t do once I start stimming No caffeine, alcohol, smoking (I’m only occasional now), high impact aerobics (no running-only walking and have to modify Zumba. I also have to cut out the protein powder (since it’s not regulated) and of course keep taking the prenatals. P also has to quit the supplements, nicotine and alcohol before he does his part.

One of the reasons that I really like Dr. G is that he was optimistic but realistic and spelled out all the risks involved to me and baby(ies). He didn’t promise a miracle but said that based on all of our records we have a good chance of getting pregnant with IVF. I feel much more optimistic and relaxed now. I am actually excited about doing IVF, even if I’ll be doing it while P is away. Now just have to find some friends to accompany me to and from the egg transfer and actual IVF procedure.

I’m done

I’m done with OPKs this month. I foud myself worried about getting a + one and worried about having sex at the right time. I wanna enjoy this pre-deployment time, not stress about ovulation and sex.

Having said that, I’m still charting BBT and symptoms. For some reason I find that way less stressful than OPKs.

Now I’m off to enjoy a Bloody Mary with my wonderful husband

37 cycles and counting

BFN today. Looks like we’re headed toward IVF in the next few months.

I’m terrified and not holding up very well today. FIL is here so I’m holed up in our room crying. Really hungry & want breakfast but don’t wanna walk downstairs with a tear stained face.

Fertility challenges suck.

And I’m Zen Again

For whatever reason, I am totally back to being zen-like again. The move no longer freaks me out and neither does the IUI coming up. I have no idea why….maybe it’s because P is now in freak out mode right now. In fact, the only thing I am remotely stressing about right now is my weight, which I cna’t do anything about right now. Damn you fertility drugs for making 12-15 lbs heavier.

As I was thinking today, I realized that many of my readers might not know what it’s like to do a military move. Before I married P, I always just moved myself (well, except for the move from AL to GA-I hired movers) so 2 yrs ago was my first military move. I learned from it and now feel more prepared for this upcoming move. Without further babbling I will give y’all a little breakdown of an Army move.

There are 3 possible types of moves: DITY (do it yourself) move, partial DITY and full Army move. With the full Army move, the Army arranges for a company to pack up 100% of your belongings one day and then arranges for movers to pick up the packed belongings a day or so later. You do nothing but watch them pack, load your things and then unload them at your new place in your new city.

With a DITY move, you pack, load and unload yourself (or pay someone else to do it). There is some reimbursement that happens based on the pounds packed and the miles driven but I don’t know the details because I refuse to do it this way. I am not a fan of packing. I hate it. Seriously.

We are doing a partial DITY move to Colorado. We will be renting a U-Haul trailer (not a reimbursable cost) and loading some of our stuff (mattress, furbaby supplies, a TV, X-Boxes, some clothes, things that the Army packers/movers won’t pack) into it. We will get paid a certain amount per pound so we will have to weigh the trailer empty and full and save the receipts. We also keep track of the miles driven so that we can get reimbursed for that too. I believe that we also get a per diem for the days that we are on the road to pay for our meals but I can’t remember for sure. You turn in all the receipts at your new military post and then get paid within a couple of weeks (as long as they don’t lose your paperwork a million times).

With any of theses moves you get paid a Dislocation Allowance, DLA. The DLA is to help you pay for a deposit, rent, closing costs, etc. You get 80% up front and then 20% when you get to your new military post.

In addition to all this, when we get to the new Army post we’ll need to check in with various offices on post, including insurance, to be sure that they have our new address and contact numbers.

Some people complain about moving frequently when you are in the military but I really don’t stress about it. Other than the small amount of stuff that we take ourselves, we don’t have to pack anything. I also plan to let the movers unpack most of the boxes at our new home because that is something else that I just don’t like doing.

In other moving news, I am 95% sure that I will have a full time job when I get there I am trying to transfer with my employer and until this week my only option was to transfer there to an “on call” position. Well, last week I got a heads up that a full time position was opening yesterday. I submitted my resume and will be interviewing (over the phone) with the office next week. I am (and have been) praying so hard to get this job. I would be doing the same thing that I am doing now-working with soldiers-and I love it.

I’m also 95% sure that we will have a house to rent when we get there. Through a friend I had found a home that a couple had just moved out of. I looked at the pictures online and it’s perfect for us AND has a huge backyard. Originally the rental company told us that May was the available date but they emailed me back today and told me that we could move into the house in early April. I have completed the rental application and will be faxing it to them as soon as P can sign it. Again, this has been something that I have been praying for every night. It will be such a relief if we can move straight into a home without having to live in a hotel for a week or more. Plus, our dogs will LOVE having a huge backyard to play in

Tonight will be night 4 of the 150 iu Follistim injections. This month I have been having some AF like spotting since Saturday. No cramping or anything but I’m not liking it. I’m going to it mention it to the RE on Thursday when I go in for my date with Wandy. I haven’t really been giving much thought to this IUI, probably because of all of the other stuff that we have going on. I like not thinking about it. I’ve still been listening to Circle+Bloom each night and having a daily cup of pregnancy tea but other than that I haven’t been dwelling on it. When I do think about it I am trying my best to only think positive BFP thoughts

I like being zen-like again. It’s so much better for me than being stressed, sad and angry. I just feel better all around when I’m calm.

Back in the stirrups again

I want to thank all of you for the wonderful, supportive and loving replies to yesterday’s blog. Y’all truly made me feel better and not as hopeless. I <3 all of you.

Went in to see the RE today so that we can get IUI #5 started. The ultrasound technician reported that I was cyst free and my uterus looked great The RE, Dr. S, increased my Follistim from 100iu nightly for 5 nights to 150iu nightly for 5 nights. Hopefully it works!

Normally Dr. S doesn't talk to me on my CD3 appointment but this time the nurse said that he wanted to meet with me. He talked to me about how he hates that P will be deployed and how it's upsetting for him to think about P being deployed even though he only knows him from the clinic. He told me that he and the clinic would do whatever we need in order to find an RE in CO if #5 isn't successful. It meant a lot to me not only what he said but how he said. He and the staff are amazing and truly care about their patients. I have never once felt rushed and like an inconvenience when I call, ask questions, etc. I am going to miss them terribly.

So here's to IUI #5 working. We are gonna be knocked up this time. The positive thinking is back!

Wordful Wednesday

This pretty much describes how I am feeling lately.

We got a BFN on the 12th and the 15th and AF came yesterday. This time I am not handling it well. Broke down at the first BFN and proceeded to get drunk that night. Saw 2 pregnancy announcements today (not any of my fertility challenged friends) and proceeded to get all teary eyed at work. This is taking a toll on me. I never thought that it would take this long to get pregnant. I never thought that I’d be looking at IUI #5. Speaking of that, my CD3 RE appointment is tomorrow. When I spoke to the nurse she stated that the doctor might decide to forego the Femara and just do injectibles this month. I am assuming that he wants me to produce more good follicles in the hope that one of them fertilizes. While the thought of more follicles makes me somewhat nervous, at this point I am willing to try it.

It’s difficult to explain the disappointment this time. I really felt so strongly that #4 would be it for us and we would finally have those 2 pink lines. It was like being thrown into a black hole and I haven’t completely fought my out yet. I still feel profound sadness about it this time. I am not all excited about trying again. I’m not even excited about getting Starbucks tomorrow after my appointment. I just feel numb about this upcoming IUI. I hope that changes. I will make sure that changes.

If #5 doesn’t work, I plan to take a break from the fertility drugs. I can’t do it anymore, at least not now. The medications make me too moody, tired and fat. I hate not feeling like myself. I am still listening to Circle+Bloom each night before sleep which is probably the only reason I am sleeping all right.

So tonight I am drowning my sorrow in Shiraz and cookies ‘n cream ice cream. Wish I was in Savannah drinking green beer *sigh*

I feel like Alice

You know when Alice eats the cake to make her grow in Alice and Wonderland, that’s how I feel. I swear that my tatas and belly grow more everyday. This Prometrium is really doing a job on me. My brain is foggy and I can’t seem to keep a stream of thoughts going long enough to………what was I saying? Anyway, at first I was sleeping basically all the time when I wasn’t working; then for the past few days I couldn’t sleep more than a few hours at a time. Now I am exhausted after only being up since 10am and I am hungry-truly hungry, not craving-every couple of hours. I’m pretty sure that my ass has grown too. I am fighting the urge to start running a million miles a day and instead reminding myself that hopefully this is all for a very good cause.

I cannot believe that I am already halfway through the 2ww. This first week has literally flown by. I am sure that is mostly due to work being somewhat busy and my being way more concerned about finding a home and a job in Colorado. The thought of having and raising (at least for a year or so) a baby in Colorado also pops into my head and makes me smile. So far I have been doing very well at not continually obsessing or really even noticing if I have “symptoms.” The only thing I’ve noticed, other than the weight gain (seriously folks, I can’t fit into over half my clothes and can definitely not fit into any of my jeans) is slight cramping yesterday and today. We have 5 more days, then I can POAS. And this time I promise that i will not test early this month. For real. For serious. I won’t. I swear.

For now I will continue to hope that I will not grow too much more. If I do I will have to go to work in a robe and I’m not sure that they would go for that.

Where to begin???

I have so many things that I want to blog about at this moment but I suppose that the I’ll begin with is a TTC update. I swear that the next blog with have little to do with hormones, injections, Wandy and timed sex.

I was going to write a blog about this IUI, number 4, being our hail mary pass for pregnancy, but the more I thought about it, the less sense it made. This is not our hail mary pass for pregnancy. This is just our hail mary pass for pregnancy before we leave Louisiana. I still fully believe that we will get our BFP, either this time or a time in the future. Since I made the decision to breathe in the positive and blow out the negative (thanks again, Circle+Bloom), I have continued to feel better and more at peace with this whole process. I didn’t cry once when I got a BFN and then AF last week. Let me rephrase that-I didn’t cry because of the BFN and AF but I did cry over other things (a subject for another blog post). I don’t feel desperate for pregnancy any more. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be pregnant and I want to be a Mommy but I refuse to let it define me any more.

One of the things I’ve done over the past few weeks is to read, for pleasure, again. I have read 2 books in 2 weeks (not including another 1 that I finished in those 2 weeks), listened to a book on tape on the drive home from Alabama and I am starting a new book tonight. (I am really thinking about doing book reviews on all the books I read-opinions?) I have 2 more books lined up to read and have decided to keep up with my GoodReads account. When I read, I read to get lost in a book. I don’t always read light hearted books. In general, I like non-fiction books more than fiction books. I like to learn about the world to open my mind and to educate myself. I cannot express how much I love reading books that have nothing to do with fertility issues, infertility cures, fertility diets, etc. Don’t get me wrong, those books are great and informative but I found that I was only reading those books and everything in my life-other than work-was once again starting to revolve around TTC, fertility challenges, RE appointments, etc. When I get that way, I am not pleasant to be around. Escaping in a good book is like a good drug to me

I have SUCKED at the whole working out for TTC. I bought a prenatal yoga video and have done it a couple of times but somehow snuggling in bed or on the couch with my husband is more tempting than exercise. I think that P is trying to get me back on track though-for Valentine’s Day he bought me a 2 year subscription to Yoga Journal. I am seriously stoked to get that and I am impressed that he was so thoughtful with the gift. Not that he’s not thoughtful, it just surprised me in a good way. It shouldn’t have surprised me, though-my first gift from him was the DVD Walk the Line. We had met once and had talked on the phone for 2 weeks. I had mentioned my love of Johnny Cash in one of our conversations and remarked that I’d not seen the movie. When I checked into the hotel, it was waiting for me. Anyway, back to me sucking at working out :-p My focus has been so much on TTC, relaxing and spending time with P that I’ve just let it slide. I swear, that I will change and improve. At least my eating is better.

Back to the TTC update Had a date with Wandy yesterday (aka, an internal ultrasound) and I had ZERO cysts! My uterine lining looked great and I got the calendar with this month’s protocal-25mg of Femara last night, 100iu Follistim nightly for 5 nights starting tomorrow and 200mg of Prometrium (a form of progesterone) nightly starting the night after the IUI. Yes, that’s right, I have to take Prometrium again. That shit is straight from hell. I was a wreck on it the last time that I took it, and then I only took it for 2 days. This time I’ll be on it for 2 WEEKS! Yeah, I am not amused but apparently I need more than the 90mg of progesterone that Crinone was giving me. God help me (and anyone who has to interact with me) when I am on that devil medicine.

I feel like this has been a rambling blog post, which is kind of how my thoughts have felt lately. More blog posts to come…..

Try, try again

I’m gonna make this short because I am going to hop in the shower and brave the snow to buy Starbucks, a new book and perhaps some wine. Took a pregnancy test this AM, 16dpiui, and it was negative. So far I’ve been okay but I’m sure that will change. I’m at my parents’ house and get to see them and my brothers so my mind is being occupied.

More later