Confession time……

Last week I went to the “coordination of care” meetings at the IVF clinic. I met with the financial person, embryologist and my nurse. I was quite informative and answered lots of my questions but y’all…..I AM FREAKING OUT NOW. Not like all the time but when I stop and think about it doing it without P being here (thank you deployment), that’s when it really gets me.

I’m not scared of giving myself injections-I injected myself 99% of the time when we did IUIs-but I’m anxious about not having the in person support of him. I have great friends here IRL and in cyberspace, but nothing can replace the feeling of having my best friend, my soulmate home and emotionally supporting me. Having him hold me at night while I cry out my worry of never getting pregnant, no one else can do that.

And that brings me to something else….what if it doesn’t work? My team of people at the IVF clinic are confident but we all know that it not working is a definite possibility. Gah, I can’t think about that right now….I will lose it if I do. I haven’t been to therapy in forever…I really need to call her.

I put on a good front most of the time because with P being gone, I have been able to NOT focus on getting pregnant. Now that’s all gonna change….and I might be a crazy hormonal person again *sigh*

Of course, if we get naturally pregnant over R&R (and I stay pregnant) then I’ll be the happiest woman EVER!

I’m ok, really

I am better today. I feel good and right about the decision to not pay $20,000 on IVF if we don’t get pregnant before our move. Taking it off the table has left me feeling calmer about everything. I just cannot fathom getting out of debt (our plan for deployment) just to get into further debt for a 50% chance of having a child. I’ll be 35 when he gets home from deployment-still young enough to consider IVF if we need it. I’m also going to speak to someone about IVF at a military installation and total what the costs would be. I know that it would involve travel and lodging costs as well as loss of wages for me having to take time off work, so I’ll have to figure out if it’s worth it. I know that P is so ready for me to be pregnant, and so am I, but I am just not ready to commit so much money for a chance.

Since going to see my family this weekend is definitely off the table, we are looking at us (or at least me) visiting them next month. I know that I will aslo visit them at least twice (hopefully more) while P is deployed but I need to see them soon before my brother deploys. *Sigh* My husband and one brother deployed at the same time. If I’m not pregnant during that time I have a feeling that much wine will be consumed.

My husband, ever the optimist, keeps assuring me that I will find a job and we will be able to buy a home. I have decided that I am going to send resumes for every job that I am even remotely qualifed for and just hope for the best. If I don’t have a job 4 weeks out from our PCS date then I will start looking for a rental home and we will just rent again for the next 2 years. I’ve gotten some good leads on homes that accept pets and hopefully will get some more before the time comes to move.

I have had random teary eyed moments today but I think that is more due to the lack of sleep last night-stress and back pain-and the hangover effect of the muscle relaxer. I’m really ok, though all of my coworkers have noticed that I haven’t been myself yesterday or today and 3 of the 5 have specifically asked me if I’m ok. I am, I really am ok. I just need sleep and lots of it.

One more wake up……

and we find out if the IUI worked or not. To say that I am full of anxiety would be putting it mildly. I have a migraine and feel sick to my stomach. I want to flash forward and know what the result is so that I can either get the crying over with or start calling family and friends to let them know the good news. Either way, hubs and I have decided to go out to eat at the local Japanese steakhouse tomorrow night-either we will be celebrating or getting our mind off of the failure.

Ugh, why can’t making a baby be simple?

ETA-I’m writing this on my brand new MacBook that my wonderful hubs gave me. He surprised me with it at work. I call it my “in case you get a BFN, here’s something to distract you” present