The green monster did not appear

Normally whenever a non-IF friend announces a pregnancy or I find out about a pregnancy I admit, I get jealous. Yesterday, for the first time in a long time I wasn’t jealous. I was 100% happy for her. She didn’t tell me. A couple of mutual friends figured it out and I walked in on them as they were squealing after figuring it out. Of course the newly preg friend had hidden it from all of us (she’s known since NYE) because she knows about my IF struggle. In fact, she has hugged me while I cried, asked appropriate questions and has learned more than she’s ever wanted to know about the whole reproduction process. She has been awesome. Her husband is awesome. I am so freaking happy for them!

I don’t know what the difference is, exactly, as to why the green monster didn’t come out for this preg announcement. Maybe it’s because of my decision to change my mindset during this cycle (still have only had the one panic attack when I found out we might have to pay for injectibles). Maybe it’s because of the meditation download that I’ve been listening to from Circle+Bloom. Maybe it’s from using EFT. Maybe it’s a combination of all of that. Truth is, I don’t really care why, I’m just glad that the green monster is staying away from me right now.

Waiting for the 2ww

Tomorrow I have an early morning appointment at the RE to check on my follicles and their progress. I have been doing Follistim 100iu injections since Wednesday night. The injections have been burning a bit more than last time but it’s not unbearable. What I have noticed is that the side effects are back. I am exhausted virtually all of the time. I’ve only managed to work out once while on the injections. I sleep and sleep but am still exhausted. And it’s not like I’m not getting good sleep-I am getting great sleep but it just never feels like enough. I am also concerned because I have been feeling dehydrated for the past 2 days even though I am drinking 80 ounces or more of water/juice/Gatorade (mostly water). Last time the dehydration was one of the first signs that I had mild ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome. I’m hoping that I am not developing OHSS but if I am, oh well. I keep telling myself that it will all be worth it in the end.

I am much calmer this time around. I have begun using EFT and I’ve been listening to Circle+Bloom’s free download. The nights that I listen to it, I have no issues going to sleep or staying asleep. I’ve been keeping myself optimistic this cycle which has helped me so much. I’ve not had a single full on breakdown yet, even since starting the injectibles I still have negative thoughts that come into my head but I acknowledge them and then put them away. The whole mindset change has not only helped me, it’s helped my marriage. I know that P appreciates that I am not an emotional wreck this time around.

This cycle seems to be moving so slowly, much more slowly than the other cycles. I am only on CD10 yet I feel like I should already be in the 2ww. Even though I am followed by an RE, I am still taking my BBT each morning (it’s way more stable this month since I’m back on Metformin, Femara and Follistim) and I will start using OPKs today. I like to have some control over what’s going on and I want to make sure that I know everything possible about my body and what’s going on. Don’t get me wrong, I trust my RE and the nurses-they are truly wonderful-but I want to feel empowered and informed in this process. Knowledge is power

So that’s where we are, waiting for the 2ww. Should be having the IUI on Thursday or Friday of this week. P’s birthday is this week so I am taking that as a good sign. A BFP would be the best birthday present ever for him.

Back in saddle, I mean stirrups

Tomorrow I will be heading back to the RE to start on the road to our 3rd (and hopefully final) IUI. I am feeling very optimistic and calm about this IUI. I cannot even explain it but I like it. Maybe it’s because I haven’t been on fertility meds for 3 months. Maybe it’s because I took IVF off the table for now. Before taking IVF off the table my thoughts were centered around “Oh my gosh, we only have time for 2 IUIs before we move. If they don’t work we have to go for IVF. How are we going to get the money for IVF? If we get a loan, how are we ever gonna pay it off? What if doesn’t work the first time? How many times will we take out loans for IVF?” My thoughts were full of anxiety and fear. Now all I am doing is focusing on now, on this IUI and on us. It’s much better this way

So tomorrow I start the barrage of b/w, u/s (oh Wandy, it’s been so long since we last met) and injections. I am actually excited this time and not scared or anxious. I also plan to continue charting on Fertility Friend just so that I can see what an IUI cycle looks like as far as my BBT.

2010 will be full of good things. I just know it.

I’m ok, really

I am better today. I feel good and right about the decision to not pay $20,000 on IVF if we don’t get pregnant before our move. Taking it off the table has left me feeling calmer about everything. I just cannot fathom getting out of debt (our plan for deployment) just to get into further debt for a 50% chance of having a child. I’ll be 35 when he gets home from deployment-still young enough to consider IVF if we need it. I’m also going to speak to someone about IVF at a military installation and total what the costs would be. I know that it would involve travel and lodging costs as well as loss of wages for me having to take time off work, so I’ll have to figure out if it’s worth it. I know that P is so ready for me to be pregnant, and so am I, but I am just not ready to commit so much money for a chance.

Since going to see my family this weekend is definitely off the table, we are looking at us (or at least me) visiting them next month. I know that I will aslo visit them at least twice (hopefully more) while P is deployed but I need to see them soon before my brother deploys. *Sigh* My husband and one brother deployed at the same time. If I’m not pregnant during that time I have a feeling that much wine will be consumed.

My husband, ever the optimist, keeps assuring me that I will find a job and we will be able to buy a home. I have decided that I am going to send resumes for every job that I am even remotely qualifed for and just hope for the best. If I don’t have a job 4 weeks out from our PCS date then I will start looking for a rental home and we will just rent again for the next 2 years. I’ve gotten some good leads on homes that accept pets and hopefully will get some more before the time comes to move.

I have had random teary eyed moments today but I think that is more due to the lack of sleep last night-stress and back pain-and the hangover effect of the muscle relaxer. I’m really ok, though all of my coworkers have noticed that I haven’t been myself yesterday or today and 3 of the 5 have specifically asked me if I’m ok. I am, I really am ok. I just need sleep and lots of it.

Flowing like the Mississippi

I swear, I don’t know what the heck is wrong with me. I cannot stop crying. It started today when I screwed up something in my upper back-the area of the protruding discs-while getting dressed/looking out the window. I laid down on my back, on Ranger’s $70 dog bed and cried with Ranger laying down beside me (he’s so protective and comforting).

Then it continued when I got to work, talked with the loan people and found out that because of the child support payments (for the child that we never see-yes, I’m bitter) and my lack of a job lined up in CO, we cannot get financing for a loan. Granted, I didn’t full out bawl but I got teary eyed and quickly got off the phone with the nice lady.

Got home, still frustrated over the no mortgage loan and increasingly frustrated over my lack of finding a job in what’s to soon be our home. Oh, and add to that the frustration of trying to find a pet friendly rental place (though thanks to Nave I have some leads on Craigslist), yeah not good. I started making some black bean soup for dinner (thank you PCOSChick and WaitingLisa for the recipe link) and ended up burning the beans because I forgot to add the broth before I simmered. Thankfully I ended up being able to pull it off but I was frustrated at my lack of concentration and at the fact that I forgot to buy the makings for cornbread. So yep, you guessed it-more tears.

We ate the soup-topped with mission chips, cheese and sour cream-and started to watch season 1 disc 1 of Alias. The first episode made me cry (I won’t tell why in case any of you readers want to watch the series from the beginning. Then I cried when her dad helped her. Seriously, it was ridiculous.

Then I glanced at my email and saw a message from my parents. I didn’t read it but from the title I know that it’s talking about us coming to see them. We were supposed to come see them this weekend but can’t due to lack of money and P possibly having to be called in to work. I burst into unstoppable tears. I miss my brothers and parents so freaking much. We never do anything terribly exciting when we get together (Momma’s in a wheelchair) but we have fun watching movies, eating and visiting. I miss them. For fuck’s sake, there I go again, bawling like a baby.

I want to go home and forget about moving, not getting the loan and most of all I want to forget about infertility and all that goes with it. That won’t be discussed there. I mean, they all know but my family is not the type to ask-they let me tell. They may ask “how are you” or “how are things” but never anything specific. I need to escape. I need to be a daughter and a sister-and that’s all-for just a bit. I want to play with my parent’s new puppy and have ZERO responsibility, for just a few days. But I can’t. Not now. Come hell or high water I will visit before my brother leaves again for the big sandbox.

I also came to my own decision about infertility tonight. Unless we can locate someone in CO who is considerably cheaper than what we’ve seen (approximately $20,000), we will not be doing IVF. I can’t do it. It makes me physically sick to think about it. P still wants to, I am standing firm. If needed, after the deployment we will ask the military to send us to an installation that does IVF or is close to one that does IVF. I cannot and will not go $20,000 into debt for IVF when I know that I can get it done at a fourth of the cost. And yep, cried while telling him this and after telling him. Not because he made me cry but because I feel totally and completely like I am letting him down. That’s my issue. He’s never made me feel that way.

And then to top it all off, saw a pregnancy announcement on FB. Salt in wound. Knife twisted. Can’t stop crying.

I’ve taken a muscle relaxer (for my back) and am drinking hot tea. I’m about to try out Circle Bloom’s free download to try to relax. Of yeah, P reminded me, in the middle of me crying in bed, that my stressing out is not good for trying to get pregnant. It seems that he really has been paying attention at some point in the the past 1072 days (yes, that’s how long we’ve been TTC). I know he’s right, just didn’t need to hear it tonight.

Time to try to relax and sleep. I have a brief at 0800 tomorrow. I don’t need puffy eyes while talking with soldiers. They won’t know what to do if I start crying. Actually, that might be pretty funny….

Reflections and new hope

I cannot believe what a year it has been. I initially got a bit weepy with the new year approaching. I just KNEW that we would be pregnant by the end of last year. That plan didn’t so much work out and right now, at this second I am ok with that. Notice that I said “at this second” because in an hour from now I might be sad about it. I never in my wildest dreams would have imagined all the IF people that would become my friends from the internet. Seriously, it is amazing. I now have this wonderful group of women and men that understand and get it. That is the up side of infertility-I have met some AWESOME people and they have made me feel :not alone” in this journey. I <3 them.

People have been doing end of decade blogs and I thought about that but really, there's not a lot to tell. I mean, stuff happened but really the most important thing was meeting and then marrying my husband. He is the organic peanut butter to my all fruit jelly. We have had so much together and this weekend has been especially lovely. He makes me laugh daily and he puts up with my princess temper tantrums and foot stomping episodes. He doesn't complain when the home is dirty or when there is a mountain of clean laundry to put away. He cooks (sometimes); he snuggles on the couch with me; he kisses me for no reason and he holds me when I cry. He said "I do" even though he knew that I had fertility issues. I don't know what I'd do without him.

The new year has given me a new outlook and new hope. There will be no resolutions this year. I am consistently trying to improve myself anyway and I want to leave myself open to whatever may happen. We TTC on our own this cycle and if it didn't work then we will have 2 more IUIs before we move to CO. I truly believe that we will be pregnant before we leave here. I am putting it out there in the universe and thinking positively. A few days ago, actually nights ago-it was pillow talk-we discussed what would happen if we aren't pregnant by the time we leave here. I won't even bother typing it out because it will work and we will be pregnant

I am declaring 2010 the year of infertiles. Infertility can suck it this year. We will all become parents.

Good times, good times

After the whining and drama of my last few blogs I wanted to let y’all know that things are evening out again. P’s ex has been backing off and not stalking me, as far as I know. I made my Twitter private and blocked a questionable Tweeter who literally never updated his/her status. Whenever I think about her finding me on there, pretending to have infertility and basically trying to stalk me (for whatever reason) it makes my blood pressure go up. Whatever. She can keep her drama in her own little world because I am too busy for it in mine.

P and I have also been spending more quality time together. We spent all weekend just hanging out, drinking (at home), going to the movies and renting movies at home. It was great. He has given me all of my Solstice gifts-he can’t stand to buy me something and not give it to me-and he did an awesome job, as always. He really listened to me talk and got me things that I wanted and needed-my Uggs (need them when we move to CO), the Pearl Jam Ten Deluxe set (my copy of Ten disappeared) and an external hard drive for my MacBook. Our weekend was full of laughs and literally ZERO stress or drama of any kind. It was the kind of weekend that we are used to having but stress had been getting in the way lately.

We have been talking and have basically decided that as much as humanly possible, we will not stress about the infertility, house buying, my job hunting or his upcoming deployment. It does no good to get all stressed and irritated with each other over things that are basically out of our control. We know that he is getting deployed and we know that we are PCS’ing. Both of those are under Army control, not our control. All we can do is prepare, which we are doing. As far as my job hunting goes, all I can do is send out resumes and use the contacts that I have in my current job. Besides, bickering most of the time is no fun and we know that this time next year we will be separated so we want to make the most of our time together.

I wish that I’d made up my mine earlier about celebrating Winter Solstice rather than Christmas. I feel like we aren’t getting to celebrate it as much as I wanted. We have a live tree with lights on it and tonight we are adding 2 more strings of lights on it. We are foregoing ornaments of any kind this year and I am giving away all of my old Christmas ornaments (except those given to me by family and friends) before we PCS. We were supposed to have a “special” dinner tonight but that has somewhat been scratched due to things related to his job. I am thinking about doing the special dinner on the 26th and then of course we will have a special New Year’s meal to close out the Solstice celebration. Next year I plan to have a live potted evergreen tree outside, a live wreath and do some more traditions such as burning a yule log. Hopefully my some miracle or stroke of luck P will be home on R & R during Winter Solstice next year.

Speaking of holidays, I guess that I should probably send some gifts to my family. It’s not that I’ve forgotten about them, I’m just not sure what to get or when to get it since my oldest brother isn’t getting back in country until after the 25th. I have been toying with the idea of donating to charities in their names. I think it’s a great idea but I’m not sure what they will think. Hmmmm, might have to consult P on this one.

No matter what you celebrate, I hope that you have a wonderful holiday celebration and enjoy time with your loved ones. If your loved ones are away from you, I pray that you get to see them soon.

Christmas spirit, I need it

Today was a bad day but it’s now better. For once, I don’t want to spill my guts about the details. In general it was because P and I are both stressed about moving, finding a home, deployment and infertility. We were supposed to get a tree and decorate it today but instead we have been laying around all day, recuperating from our day trip to the Natchitoches Christmas Festival yesterday. We walked so much yesterday that I count it as a workout. The parade was good, the lights were fantastic and the fireworks were great Oh and time with our friends was awesome. Good food, good times and great cold weather.

I spent a lot of time with our friend F’s niece. Her daddy is a college student and let me say, him and his girlfriend were absolutely awesome. They opened their home to us, fed us some great food and made us feel welcome. They are also incredible parents. The niece, B is incredibly cute and by the afternoon had completely warmed up to me-playing peek-a-boo and wanting me to hold her. Can we say baby pangs? I loved holding her and playing with her. She is the cutest little tot and was dressed in a Santa dress and hat. Too freaking cute.

Today I actually thought of giving up on ever conceiving. I don’t know why but the thought crossed my mind about just stopping trying to conceive and just moving on to adopting. I re-thought it, which is why I want the word ‘hope’ tattooed on the inside of my right wrist. P is *this close* to okaying it and another friend shared a great tattoo script with me. I am psyched to get it.

Ok, I am rambling. I’m off to chat with my TTC gals. Oh yeah, my fab DH let me order Uggs for Xmas and I should be getting them in about 5 business days. Can. NOT. Wait.

Another one? *blush*

I was nominated for another award-I truly feel loved. Thank you so much to The Long and Winding Road for this You ROCK!

The rules for this award:

Put the Lemonade logo on your blog or within your post.
Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude or gratitude.
Link the nominees within your post.
Let the nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
Share the love and link to the person from whom you received this award.

1. Chasing A Miracle
2. Trying to Get Knocked Up By Another Man She helped me find my fabulous RE!!!
3. Beyond Alice
4. GoodEggies
5. The Baldwin Adventures
6. The Road to Happily Ever After
7. Pregnant Yuppy
8. Still Waiting for My Sunshine
9. Trying to Calm
10. Fertility Chick

So go on, go check out these lovely blogs right now!

I am humbled

I have met some AWESOME women through blogs and Twitter. They are the most awesome support system while going through this infertility shit. Chasing a Miracle has such a gift of words and knows exactly what to say and when to say it. PCOSChick has an AMAZING attitude and I am so excited about her adoption journey. Roxanne has so much going on, yet she manages to support all of us, too. I am thankful that they think enough of me and my blog to give me this award.

Each Superior Scribbler must in turn pass The Award on to 5 most-deserving Bloggy Friends.
• Each Superior Scribbler must link to the author & the name of the blog from whom he/she has received The Award.
• Each Superior Scribbler must display The Award on his/her blog, and link to this post, which explains The Award.
• Each Blogger who wins The Superior Scribbler Award must visit this post and add his/her name to the Mr. Linky List.
• Each Superior Scribbler must post these rules on his/her blog.

So in no particular order, here are my bloggers
Waiting Lisa
BlackAngelP
Bea_z
Mommyland
Living My Life With PCOS

There are so many more wonderful blogger friends out there-please check out my IF FRIEND list to see more and to read their blogs