Trying to remain calm, positive and all that jazz

I POAS’s this AM and of course it was BFN. I’m only at 13dpiui and yes, I am planning to test again but this morning was the first time that I actually allowed myself to think that I might not be pregnant. I have been remaining optimistic and calm this cycle, not because I am all Pollyanna and refuse to believe that not being pregnant is a real possibility, but because I have made a conscious effort this cycle to only think positively and only envision postive pregnany tests, little babies, future nursery, etc. So far, it’s worked. My mood has been more stable this cycle and I have slept way better (thank you CircleBloom and EFT). I even reacted better to the meds (I’m convinced that CircleBloom had a part in that, but more of that in my next blob post).

My issues is now, what if this AM’s BFN really is a BFN? I know that we will do one more IUI here before we move to Colorado but I’m not sure of the next step when we get there. To be honest, I am kind of over all this modern medicine. For the majority of the past 3 years I have been on medications that have messed with my hormones. I have had way too many dates with Wandy and I have been stuck with needles more times than I care to remember. Do I really want to start all of that over again when I get to Colorado? I’m just not sure. We will only have a short time there together until P leaves so I don’t know if I want to put the pressure of IUIs on us. On the other hand, what if he doesn’t come back (I’m not being dramatic, just realistic) and then I’m left wondering “what if”. And yes, I know that I need to talk to him about it some more but he’s currently not available to talk and y’all are available to read :-p

I am really thinking of turning to a combination of acupuncture, TCM, EFT and CircleBloom if we don’t get pregnant by the time we move. TCM and acupuncture have never been a possibility here because we live in the middle of nowhere but in Colorado both are a definite possibility. I am already Googling places so that I can get started right away when we get settled. I also am trying to find out if acupuncture might help P’s leukocytospermia. At this point he is ready to try almost anything.

Now back to only thinking positive thoughts and good things. Apparently I’ve been doing that quite well because last night I had a vivid dream about getting a BFP on an EPT preg test and calling P to tell him about it while he was working. I truly pray that I see that BFP this week.

Opinion or thoughts? Am I the only one that gets fed up with modern medicine?

And now we wait…..

IUI #3 took place this morning. I wish that I could say that it went off without a hitch but I can’t. Remember IUI #2 and the issue with the white blood cells in the semen? Remember how we were told by the local small town urologist the he cured P and everything was good to go? Yeah, not so much. Dr. S came in the room today and told us that P still had a lot of WBC in his semen. Apparently the SA that the Dr. Jamaica ordered did NOT test for WBC-it was just a regular ol’ SA. Have I mentioned that I hate living in a small backwards town?

P and I were floored to say the least. Dr. S was very patient in explaining everything to us. He explained that many REs do not even test for WBC when they do IUIs or IVFs. Dr. S also said that people CAN and DO get pregnant even with too many WBC in the semen. However, too many WBC can affect fertility by negatively affecting the whole sperm getting together with the egg process. By the time Dr. S got to that point, I am sure that he could read the anxiety all over my face. He assured us that we were still doing the IUI today and that we got in fact get pregnant. Also, he reviewed the Dr. Jamaica SA results with us (along with the other parts of today’s SA) and stated that all the other parts of the SA were normal. In other words, his swimmers are good, they are just swimming in some polluted water. Apparently I still didn’t look convinced because when I laid down and Dr. S got down to business, he asked me if I was ok-have I mentioned that I love our RE?

Unfortunately, there is not one definitive treatment for P’s leukocytospermia. It’s a trial and error type of treatment. If we are not pregnant (but we won’t have to worry about that because this will work), then Dr. S will treat us both with antibiotics. It’s possible that we could be passing a low lying infection back and forth.

Now for the good parts My cervix was definitely in a good position, meaning that I am in prime fertile time. Dr. S also noted, while I was laying down on the table letting the swimmers swim, that all of my tests were good. He was very pleased at how well I responded to the medications this time. My E2 was 369, my LH was 5.19, my P4 was 1.18 and my endometrial lining was 10.8. Also, I had 9 follicles measuring 10 or above when I had all my blood tests and my ultrasound two days ago I truly think that my no stress/zen attitude (thanks to Circle+Bloom and EFT) and the pregnancy teas (thank you Twitter friend) that I’ve been drinking helped me to respond so well to the medications.

Dr. S has me on Crinone nightly so although I am going to continue to chart my BBT, I cannot depend on it to tell me if AF is coming or not since the Crinone will keep my BBT elevated. I want to continue to charting 1) because I am curious how it will look with me on Crinone, and 2) I want to stay in the habit of charting. I am not a fan of Crinone-it’s messy-but it’s definitely better than Prometrium. That shit is the devil.

So, now we wait. We wait for 2 weeks and then I POAS. I am trying to remain zen through all of this. I didn’t cry today and I didn’t break down and buy wine at the store. I will drink my pregnancy teas, listen to my Circle+Bloom download, do EFT and of course pray. Hopefully it all pays off in the end.

ETA-Dr. S also stated that leukocytospermia is not nearly as bad as dealing with bad count/motility/morphology. Can’t believe I forgot to put that in there to begin with-it’s one thing that is keeping me positive.