Day by Day…..

I haven’t gone a day without crying.

I haven’t gone a day without praying that it wasn’t true.

Some days I am hopeful and hopeless at different times on the same days.

Everyday I am terrified that FET will not work.

Everyday I thank God for my family, friends and especially my amazing husband who makes me feel supported all the way from Afghanistan.

I have a plan because, well….plans make me feel better and more in control. I have become a BeachBody coach and plan to work through P90X (for a second time, love it!) and then Insanity so that I can get in shape and lose the IUI/IVF weight that I’ve gained over the past 2 years. I really want to make my BeachBody business work so that we can become debt free and so that we can save up money for future infertility treatments. My goal this week is to get through all the BB training so that I can really get started in this. For me, it’s not just about making money; it’s also about helping people improve their lives and get healthy. Here are my sites (so far) http://beachbodycoach.com/esuite/home/liberalgranola (My BeachBody page) and http://myshakeology.com/esuite/home/liberalgranola (my Shakeology page). I drink the chocolate Shakeology everyday and I freaking love it! Look for more posts on here about me getting in shape and helping others

My health/fitness goal is to lose 2 dress sizes, which will get me back to where I was before starting injectable infertility medications. It is a totally do-able goal for me. Also I’ll be smokin’ hot for P when he returns from deployment

I realize that there is no way that I can do FET without P here. Doing this fresh IVF cycle without him here, while being solely responsible for the kiddos was way too stressful. I have my WTF appt with the RE next month and I plan to talk to him about FET in detail, including letting him know my reasons for waiting. This failed IVF cycle has just been so emotionally and physically draining….I now know that I need P here with me for support.

I could not have gotten through this without the amazing support from my friends online. Seriously, y’all are a lifeline to me. Yo have people who understand, support me and don’t judge me is so wonderful. I love y’all.

This time tomorrow…..

I will be PUPO! I cannot believe it. My best work friend is keeping the babes tomorrow and I have arranged play/diaper/sleeping areas in the TV room for my couch rest time. Tomorrow morning I will make baked oatmeal and poppy seed chicken casserole so that I don’t have to stand on my feet on actually cook Movies have been rented through RedBox and we also have plenty available On Demand (free) and in our DVD collection. The house is clean and most of the laundry is done….so I think that I am ready for tomorrow.

Now I am praying that this works and we have a new baby or two in the fall

MilSpouse Friday Fill-In

THanks again to Wife of a Sailor for starting this!

1. What characteristic about yourself has either been strengthened or weakened due to your experience as a Military Spouse?
My independence and ability to take care of everything has been stregthened. I love and adore my husband, but I have learned to do all the daily stuff on my own, while still working full time, while he’s deployed.

2. What is your favorite vacation spot and why?
Hmmmm, i really don’t know. We used to live in Savannah so to me it felt like we were almost living in a vacation for 2 years. I would love to go back there for an extended vacation

3. If you could have any fast-food restaurant in the food court on base/post what would you pick?
I don’t even know what’s available in the food court here, lol! Right now my fast food favorite, in general, is Five Guys Burgers and Fries. My mouth is watering just thinking about the bacon cheeseburger there….

4. Where did you go on your honeymoon?
We didn’t have a honeymoon. We got married on the beach at Tybee Island and then PCS’d just a few days later. After this deployment we want to visit D.C. and then in a few years we want to take an anniversary trip to Ireland.

5. If you could have any job in the world regardless of money, degree or experience, which job would you have and why?
Hmmmm, probably a photojournalist. I love photography and I would like to travel to places like Sudan, Haiti, etc to take pictures to not only show the hardships of the area but to show the beauty of the people there.

Mil Spouse Friday Fill-in

I LOVE this but have been unable to participate much due to computer issues and work keeping me busy. Thankfully today is a slow day (so far) at work so I’m back

Thanks again to

I Am Loved

P has left for a year-ish. He will be overseas fighting in this MF’ing war. I am so proud of him and what he does for a living but this will damn sure be the most difficult year of my life so far. I love that man and cannot wait to kiss him again. He’s texted and called all day to check on me. He’s going to war yet he’s checking on ME who is sitting at home in my comfy house. *sigh* The bestest man, for real.

Through my Twitter, FB, Army wife message board, deployment blog (if you want that link, email me at TTC_Queen@yahoo.com) and cell phone, I have felt tremendous love and support today. Not that I haven’t felt the support before, I have, but today it was amazing. When I was blubbering in the wee hours hours of the morning, my Twitter friends (from across the world) wrapped their virtual arms around me in love. My all time BFF texted with me from Chicago until she could no longer stay awake. I got loving text messages from Twitter friends and local Army wife friends, all letting me know that I was loved and that I can do this. My BFF here more than forgave me for skipping out on Zumba (I didn’t fall asleep until after sunrise) and her cooking me breakfast. My FB friends have left the most amazing supportive messages and wall postings. My Army wife message board friends have been amazing. I’ve gotten emails and texts from my family all day.

The only way that I am coping as well as I am is because of my family and friends and their love. I’ve managed to shower, go to WalMart, eat and clean some of the house today. I haven’t spent the entire day in tears. I’ve thought about all the goals I can achieve while he’s gone (not that I couldn’t achieve them with him here, but I need to focus on the positive). I’ve laughed. I’ve cried at the love I’ve received. I’ve been supremely touched that people that I’ve never met in real life care so much about me, about P and about all the troops that are deployed. As an Army wife it seriously makes me feel all warm and gooey inside.

MilSpouse Friday Fill-In

Thank you Wife of a Sailor for coming up with this!

This week’s questions are:

1. How did you and your spouse/significant other meet?
I picked him up in a bar

2. What is the best thing about being a MilSpouse?
To me there are so many great things about being a MilSpouse. I love getting to move to different places and experience different parts of the country. Another perk to the moving is that I have met friends that I never would have met if I wasn’t a MilSpouse.

3. What is the hardest thing about being a MilSpouse?
I think the hardest thing is the lack of communication (especially for submarines) and the constant worry. But the good BY FAR outweigh the bad.

4. What is your favorite dish?
It depends on my mood. Overall I am a huge fan of Mexican food and could literally eat chips and salsa every single day. I also love fresh seafood and local fish. A good fish and chips rocks my world when served with a good beer and let’s not forget my love of buffalo wings.

5. If you could change one thing in this world, what would it be?
I wish that people would appreciate and protect the environment to a greater degree than what’s currently being done. Protectly the environment and finding alternative energy sources would help improve quality of life for all of Earth’s inhabitants.

Ok, now it’s your turn If you’re a MilSpouse (that includes significant others) take part in this wonderful thing that Wife of a Sailor has started.

Tidbits

I want to blog but my thoughts are scattered so I thought I’d do a tidbit themed post

Green smoothies-I will be getting a GOOD blender soon (have to check the budget) so that I can start these. Someone asked me what these are so I’d like to explain as best as I can. A couple of months ago I found Boho Girl’s blog. She is a beautiful soul who’s TTC and adoption story inspired me. In one of her posts she talked about green smoothies and how she and Cedar (her and Boho Boy’s son) enjoy them daily. She provided a link to Happy Foody, a blog of Sara’s, another blogger that has inspired me. If any of my readers also drink green smoothies, I’d love to see your recipes

Our new home-It’s a rental house with a huge backyard and it was built in 1975. To call the electrical wiring a clusterfuck would be an understatement. (More on that in a later more detailed post). It’s got 3 bedrooms and one and a half baths. The dogs are immensely happy with the yard. The neighborhood is old and somewhat run down in parts but it is quiet and safe. We’ve talked about buying a home here in the Springs and settling down

Belonging-It is amazing to be in a big city after 2 years of living in a backwoods town. Once again I feel like I belong. I don’t feel like my leftist views and conservation views are weird here. People walk, ride bikes and use public transportation. I plan to start regularly going back to church again, probably to an Episcopal church. I plan to get serious about photography again and maybe even try to sell my work. My spirit is renewed here.

Sick-I’ve been sick and Ranger is now sick. for those who don’t know, I visited the Army hospital’s ER the first day that we moved into our home. Everyone there was wonderful! I am now recovering from a pretty severe UTI. I was actually crying (because of the pain) in the car on the way to the ER and I have NEVER cried because of an IUI. Ranger is now sick-a little blood in poop and vomiting. We think it’s the new food we bought them. Malibu and Bear won’t eat much of the food. Today we are going to PetsMart to get their regular food for them.

Nature-I am daily amazed at the beauty of the Rocky Mountains <3

In laws-My FIL is coming to visit us for a week. He wants to help us get settled and help us do anything around the house that needs doing. He's also bringing P's snowboarding stuff so that P can snowboard this winter (if he's even here this winter).

The D word-Unless things change (like he gets send to another unit) P will be deploying before the winter. We are both not really thinking about it right now which is good. We will cross that bridge when we come to it. There are positives to deployment and I am determined to focus on those when the time comes.

Blogs-Today's goal is to catch up on the 300+ blogs in my Google Reader

I’m not even obsessing about tomorrow’s IUI

And ya want to know why I’m not obsessing? Because the reality of moving in 4 weeks has finally hit me. I have had minor almost freakouts about it earlier but like Scarlett I though “I can’t think about this today. I’ll think about this tomorrow.” Well today was apparently tomorrow. I started doing a budget for the next couple of months and it hit me “I don’t know where we’ll be living, what our rent/mortgage will be and if I will have a job!” Of course I would prefer that we have a mortgage but since I still don’t have a job there (well, I do but I don’t-will explain that in a bit), I doubt that we can qualify on P’s income alone. He has the next few days off work so I plan to have him look into that, among doing other things. Yep, I will definitely be giving him a “honey do” list and I will be making a list for myself. In fact, dear readers, let me just make that list right here so that you can join in my freaking out.

Need to do in the next 4 weeks before we are homeless:
1. Clean out the downstairs closet and outside storage. *Scheduled to do this weekend, March 13-14*
2. Take stuff from #1 to on post thrift store. *Scheduled to do this weekend, March 13-14* Changed-doing this on Wednesday, March 24th
3. Make a list of things for the movers not to pack. *Work in progress*
4. Pack enough clothes for 10 days (for those who aren’t familiar with military moving, you might not get your stuff quickly once you relocate).
5. Reserve a moving trailer.
6. Sod the backyard since the demon dogs have made it into a dirt pit. *Doing this the day before we leave.*
7. Clean out potted plants and lay down more rocks since demon dogs have messed up the rocks. *Doing this next weekend, March 20-21, as long as it doesn’t rain*
8. Get Dyson repaired. *Dropping off March 13* Changed-decided to do this in Colorado because if we did it here, it would have ot be shipped to TX and back.
9. Clean out little Bissell Green Machine.
10. Clean couch with Bissell. *decided to do this after the move in case it gets dirty during the move*
11. Clean carpets. *Doing this after HHG (household goods) are picked up on the 25th*
12. Repair interior damage caused by demon dogs (window sill, door frame and wall where Bear tried to chew through it). *Work in progress* All that’s left to do is paint =)
13. Take Ranger to vet for yearly shots.
14. File federal and LA taxes (this is SUPER important).
15. Give 30 day notice to current rental company (this should probably be #1).
16. Forward mail to someone since we have no Colorado address yet. *Hoping to have an address by the end of this week, March 13*
17. Bathe all demon dogs.
18. Find out how much Dramamine to give demon dogs (car sick dogs are no fun). 2mg per pound
19. Find a place to live in Colorado, or at least a place to live for a month while we figure it out. *Work in progress*
20. Find a full time job (I have an on-call job waiting for me there but we really need for me to have a solid second income). *Work in progress*
21. Clean out my office at work =( *Starting this on Monday, the 15th*
22. GET KNOCKED UP!

I’m sure that there is more to do but I am feeling feverish so I am wrapping this up. P has a list, too but his is work based and involves everything that he needs to do in order to clear post. To his list I am adding “talk to realtor”, “talk to mortgage guy” and “look online for places to live”.

Shit, I just remembered one for me-reserve a dog friendly hotel room for the trip. *Will reserve a room at a La Quinta as soon as we nail down a date to move.*

ETA: More things to do before we move:
23. Call power company to discontinue service. Will be put back in the owner’s name on the 31st.
24. Call cable/internet provider to discontinue service. Will be disconnected on the 31st.

May the force be with us during this move.

Ahhhh, the joys of pre-deployment

This is a blog post I had not intended to write but felt the need to write after a discussion that P and I had tonight.

P has been working over night, on and off, for the past week. I had not seen him since yesterday morning and did not expect to see him until tomorrow night but thankfully he was able to come home tonight. Of course, like a good wife =p, I asked him about his day-that’s when he dropped somewhat of a bomb. “X’s wife cleaned out their bank account while we were in the field.” (Obviously the guy’s name isn’t X but I am protecting the identity of the innocent.) Apparently X and his wife had been having some issues so she cleaned out the back account and we assume took off. This kicked off our pre-deployment conversation. It goes something like this:

P- “You love me?”
Me- “yes”
P- “forever?”
Me- “Of course, darling.”
P- “You’re not gonna get tired of waiting for me for 12 months?”
Me- “Of course not. You’re my love. You better not cruise the dating websites when you’re bored in the desert.”
P-*rolls his eyes* “All I’ll be doing is working out and focusing on the mission while I’m there. Seriously, I don’t what I’d do if you did that” (referring to what X’s wife did while he was in the field for a few days.”
Me- “I could never do that, well unless you cruised the dating websites like S’s husband did and found an online girlfriend while deployed. Then I could do it.”

By this time we were at the restaurant. To be clear, neither P nor I have a trust issue with each other. It’s a reassurance conversation that we seem to have every so often. It’s a damn shame that soldiers even have to worry about cheating spouses/partners when they are deployed. I have heard of too many stories and it hurts my heart. I cannot imagine even thinking about cheating while P is gone. Some people ask things like “I can’t imagine going without sex for so long-there’s no way that I could do it.” Well, if you’re relationship is centered around sex, then no, you couldn’t do it. This coming deployment will be my first long one with P (his other one was only a few months) but I truly don’t think that sex will be the first thing in my mind (I really don’t think that it will even be in the top 5). Not that sex isn’t important but there are way more important things in my opinion.

I’m not blogging about this upcoming deployment to get attention or to get any kudos. It’s funny because when people talk about how hard it must be to be a military spouse, I just don’t truly get it because I’ve only been married to a military man. I don’t know anything different so I don’t know if it’s easier to be the wife of someone in another career choice. I mean, intellectually yes, I understand what people mean by that and yes, being without him for a year will suck but I’ve had him at home for 3.5 years which is great in the Army world. I’ve been preparing for a possible deployment for months and I know that P is ready to deploy and “do his job”.

We’ve also been focusing on the positive parts of the big D-We will be almost completely debt free, have a decent saving account and hopefully be able to start an IRA by the end of it. We will be able to save up some money for IVF (I’m doing this even if we get a BFP before he leaves because we want at least 2 children). We will be able to write each other beautiful love letters and cards. Yes, I am really in that zen of a place right now that I can focus on the positive and not the negative of my husband deploying for a year.

I’m sure I’ll be a mess when he leaves. I miss him even when he’s gone for a few days. I’m sure he’ll be a mess, too. We’ll be okay, though….we always are <3