Last night as I was laying in bed with my fan-fucking-tastic husband, I had a slight breakdown. I felt the familiar rush of anxiety-heart racing, increased breathing, spinning thoughts. Only this time it wasn’t about infertility, it was about deployment. Fuck, I hate that word. We haven’t even gotten to P’s new unit but we know (as well as you can “know” in the Army) that they are deploying next year. P is looking forward to it in a weird way because he wants to do his job again and because he needs another deployment for his career. I understand it but I am scared, so scared.
P’s last deployment was just a few months long with a special ops unit and I was in my own little bubble. I didn’t really know what he did. I didn’t know, until after he got home, how many close calls there were. Now I know the real danger and although it won’t be as bad because he will be in a regular Army unit (not that the reg Army isn’t in danger but it’s just different than special ops) the danger is still very real. I started thinking last night about how he will be gone for all the major holidays next year. At least he’ll be here for our anniversary.
Will we get pregnant before he leaves? Will he be able to be here for the birth if we do get pregnant? How the hell will I make it through my first winter in CO (I’m from AL and so not used to snow) without him? How will I be pregnant/give birth on my own? How will the dogs act while he’s gone for a year? Dear God, what will I do if he doesn’t come home?
Those are just some of the questions that went through my mind last night as I laid in bed. Tears running down my face, my head started spinning. Even typing this I have tears running down my face. I look at him and cannot imagine not having him for a year. I’m not worried about us as a couple-we can make it. We are strong, stubborn and committed. I just don’t want to do it. I know as an Army wife that I have to do it and I will do it. I will not feel sorry for myself when it happens and I know that I will make the best of it. It’s the anticipation and “what ifs” that suck.
So last night, with tears running down my face, I turned over and snuggled with P. Immediately my heartrate and breathing slowed. I started to calm down. I don’t know what it is about him, but he has that effect on me. The “what ifs” are still there, in the back of mind, nagging me. I’ve had this neurotic issue since I was a child. I used to have several sleepless nights before moving on to the next grade in school because I was worried that I couldn’t hack it. It’s not new to me and I know that it will pass but it’s not a fun thing.
So for now, today, I am focusing on how happy I am with him. If we don’t get pregnant before deployment, it’s ok because I still have him. He’ll come home to me in CO and we’ll continue to enjoy our wonderful life. We’ll snowboard. We’ll get tattoos. I’ll get piercings. We’ll explore CO. Hopefully, one day we’ll have little ones to share our life with, but until then I’m happy to share it with him, my fan-fucking-tastic husband.