I’ve doing some limited soul searching and thinking over the past couple of weeks. A lot due to the Tweets and beliefs of Conscious Conception. While I am a believer in modern medicine, I certainly believe that energy has a place and an influence in my life and my fertility. I believe that we can empower ourselves and change ourselves partially with the way we think and the energy we have in our lives. To a degree science/medicine has proven this-people’s stress manifests itself in physical forms such as headaches, high blood pressures, ulcers, intestinal issues, etc. Conversely, relaxing/thinking postively/not being stressed/meditating can lower blood pressure, get rid of headaches, etc.
Infertility wise, I’ve been hard on myself since the beginning. Sure, on the surface I act okay but my deepest thoughts, my words to P have been harsh. We found out about my fertility challenges before we got married. I basically gave him an out-I told him that I understood if he left me. He’s 8 years younger than me, fertile, awesome and of course didn’t leave me. I’ve cried angry tears, screaming at God and the universe about my body and my difficulty in conceiving. I’ve changed my diet and I’ve jumped on the exercise bandwagon again, both great changes but I did those not for the health of my whole self but for the fertility incentives. I’ve injeted my body with fertility drugs that made my body unrecognizable and made me emotionally not myself. With all of these changes, I still somehow blamed myself for my infertility and became more negative towards my body.
The other day P and I were walking into WalMart and I remarked how I had not stuck with the P90X program (it’s 6 days a week for 13 weeks, approx 90 days). I do the program but many weeks I just cannot do 6 workouts in a week because of work, wanting to spend time with P, just not feeling like it, etc. P just looked at me and said “not everyone can do it in 90 days.” It was like a lightbulb went off and then the effect snowballed. Of course not everyone could do it in 90 days, there was no reason to be so hard on myself. That reasoning and reading Tweets from BabySpiritCoach (Concious Conception) made me recognize how hard I’ve been on myself regarding infertility. I need to be more positive and bring light into my world and energy. I need to practice positive meditation and eat healthy for the WHOLE me, not just the reproductive part of me. I need to nurture my marriage even more than I already do so that our child has thbest parents possible.
We will be parents, this I am sure of. We have plenty of love to give to children and we will raise them in a positive, loving home. I will look at infertility in a more positive light form now on and will focus on making myself better and healthier so that I can be the best mommy possible. That doesn’t mean that I won’t get frustrated or down at times but I won’t let myself stay that way because being negative does more harm than good. I will accept myself I am and try to improve myself but will not be negative toward my body or myself.