Ok, first of all I really am a strong military wife. P and I signed up for this (as in, we made the joint decision for him to re-enlist and have agreed that he will retire from the military) and we didn’t do so lightly. We knew that there would be deployments, moving, etc. We are also thankful for the benefits of him being in the military-healthcare, some infertility benefits, job stability, etc. I love being a military wife but at times, I must whine about it.
We got a bit of deployment confirmation today….unofficial but still a bit official. Confused yet? Anyway, it’s ok, we knew that he would get deployed and he needs another deployment for his career. It’s just, ugh….I don’t know how to explain to people who haven’t experienced it but I will try. I feel pride, love, anxiety, sadness, nauseous all at once. It’s knowing that in a matter of months you will say goodbye to your soulmate for many months and possibly forever. Yes, it’s not a popular topic but it’s a real one to me because two Army wives that I know on the internet lost their husbands to war. It’s not something that P or I focus on but we have talked about it and will probably talk about it more before he leaves. It’s realizing that in so many months (cannot say numbers due to OPSEC) I will be running our home on my own, with all responsibilities being mine for at least a year. Can I do that? Hell yeah I can. Do I look forward to it? No. Well, except for having complete control of the TV remote :-p It’s realizing that in less than a year’s time I will move to a new city, find a new job, buy a home, find a new fertility dr, *hopefully* get pregnant and send my husband to war. Wow. When I look at it all typed out I’m surprised that I am not a raging alcoholic by now.
I really hate to be such a downer but I have to get this out somewhere and blogging helps me organize my thoughts and emotions. P and I have been fighting much of the day today-not like all out screaming, more like bickering-because of the stress. We are fine and we know that it is the stress but knowing and being able to completely stop it are two different things. Thankfully both P and I know that we will do fine over deployment and we will come out of it stronger than ever. In fact, it’s the time before the deployment that is so difficult because you know it’s coming and sometimes the unknowns take over your head. At those times-which are actually not too often yet-I have to remind myself that we have plenty of awesome days before he leaves; that we need to continue to make time to have fun and enjoy each other; and that we cannot waste our time worrying about what might happen when he’s fighting a war. We have a great life and I know that it will only get better.