Flowing like the Mississippi

I swear, I don’t know what the heck is wrong with me. I cannot stop crying. It started today when I screwed up something in my upper back-the area of the protruding discs-while getting dressed/looking out the window. I laid down on my back, on Ranger’s $70 dog bed and cried with Ranger laying down beside me (he’s so protective and comforting).

Then it continued when I got to work, talked with the loan people and found out that because of the child support payments (for the child that we never see-yes, I’m bitter) and my lack of a job lined up in CO, we cannot get financing for a loan. Granted, I didn’t full out bawl but I got teary eyed and quickly got off the phone with the nice lady.

Got home, still frustrated over the no mortgage loan and increasingly frustrated over my lack of finding a job in what’s to soon be our home. Oh, and add to that the frustration of trying to find a pet friendly rental place (though thanks to Nave I have some leads on Craigslist), yeah not good. I started making some black bean soup for dinner (thank you PCOSChick and WaitingLisa for the recipe link) and ended up burning the beans because I forgot to add the broth before I simmered. Thankfully I ended up being able to pull it off but I was frustrated at my lack of concentration and at the fact that I forgot to buy the makings for cornbread. So yep, you guessed it-more tears.

We ate the soup-topped with mission chips, cheese and sour cream-and started to watch season 1 disc 1 of Alias. The first episode made me cry (I won’t tell why in case any of you readers want to watch the series from the beginning. Then I cried when her dad helped her. Seriously, it was ridiculous.

Then I glanced at my email and saw a message from my parents. I didn’t read it but from the title I know that it’s talking about us coming to see them. We were supposed to come see them this weekend but can’t due to lack of money and P possibly having to be called in to work. I burst into unstoppable tears. I miss my brothers and parents so freaking much. We never do anything terribly exciting when we get together (Momma’s in a wheelchair) but we have fun watching movies, eating and visiting. I miss them. For fuck’s sake, there I go again, bawling like a baby.

I want to go home and forget about moving, not getting the loan and most of all I want to forget about infertility and all that goes with it. That won’t be discussed there. I mean, they all know but my family is not the type to ask-they let me tell. They may ask “how are you” or “how are things” but never anything specific. I need to escape. I need to be a daughter and a sister-and that’s all-for just a bit. I want to play with my parent’s new puppy and have ZERO responsibility, for just a few days. But I can’t. Not now. Come hell or high water I will visit before my brother leaves again for the big sandbox.

I also came to my own decision about infertility tonight. Unless we can locate someone in CO who is considerably cheaper than what we’ve seen (approximately $20,000), we will not be doing IVF. I can’t do it. It makes me physically sick to think about it. P still wants to, I am standing firm. If needed, after the deployment we will ask the military to send us to an installation that does IVF or is close to one that does IVF. I cannot and will not go $20,000 into debt for IVF when I know that I can get it done at a fourth of the cost. And yep, cried while telling him this and after telling him. Not because he made me cry but because I feel totally and completely like I am letting him down. That’s my issue. He’s never made me feel that way.

And then to top it all off, saw a pregnancy announcement on FB. Salt in wound. Knife twisted. Can’t stop crying.

I’ve taken a muscle relaxer (for my back) and am drinking hot tea. I’m about to try out Circle Bloom’s free download to try to relax. Of yeah, P reminded me, in the middle of me crying in bed, that my stressing out is not good for trying to get pregnant. It seems that he really has been paying attention at some point in the the past 1072 days (yes, that’s how long we’ve been TTC). I know he’s right, just didn’t need to hear it tonight.

Time to try to relax and sleep. I have a brief at 0800 tomorrow. I don’t need puffy eyes while talking with soldiers. They won’t know what to do if I start crying. Actually, that might be pretty funny….