Wordful Wednesday

This pretty much describes how I am feeling lately.

We got a BFN on the 12th and the 15th and AF came yesterday. This time I am not handling it well. Broke down at the first BFN and proceeded to get drunk that night. Saw 2 pregnancy announcements today (not any of my fertility challenged friends) and proceeded to get all teary eyed at work. This is taking a toll on me. I never thought that it would take this long to get pregnant. I never thought that I’d be looking at IUI #5. Speaking of that, my CD3 RE appointment is tomorrow. When I spoke to the nurse she stated that the doctor might decide to forego the Femara and just do injectibles this month. I am assuming that he wants me to produce more good follicles in the hope that one of them fertilizes. While the thought of more follicles makes me somewhat nervous, at this point I am willing to try it.

It’s difficult to explain the disappointment this time. I really felt so strongly that #4 would be it for us and we would finally have those 2 pink lines. It was like being thrown into a black hole and I haven’t completely fought my out yet. I still feel profound sadness about it this time. I am not all excited about trying again. I’m not even excited about getting Starbucks tomorrow after my appointment. I just feel numb about this upcoming IUI. I hope that changes. I will make sure that changes.

If #5 doesn’t work, I plan to take a break from the fertility drugs. I can’t do it anymore, at least not now. The medications make me too moody, tired and fat. I hate not feeling like myself. I am still listening to Circle+Bloom each night before sleep which is probably the only reason I am sleeping all right.

So tonight I am drowning my sorrow in Shiraz and cookies ‘n cream ice cream. Wish I was in Savannah drinking green beer *sigh*