Wordful Wednesday

Emo

This pretty much describes how I am feeling lately.

We got a BFN on the 12th and the 15th and AF came yesterday. This time I am not handling it well. Broke down at the first BFN and proceeded to get drunk that night. Saw 2 pregnancy announcements today (not any of my fertility challenged friends) and proceeded to get all teary eyed at work. This is taking a toll on me. I never thought that it would take this long to get pregnant. I never thought that I’d be looking at IUI #5. Speaking of that, my CD3 RE appointment is tomorrow. When I spoke to the nurse she stated that the doctor might decide to forego the Femara and just do injectibles this month. I am assuming that he wants me to produce more good follicles in the hope that one of them fertilizes. While the thought of more follicles makes me somewhat nervous, at this point I am willing to try it.

It’s difficult to explain the disappointment this time. I really felt so strongly that #4 would be it for us and we would finally have those 2 pink lines. It was like being thrown into a black hole and I haven’t completely fought my out yet. I still feel profound sadness about it this time. I am not all excited about trying again. I’m not even excited about getting Starbucks tomorrow after my appointment. I just feel numb about this upcoming IUI. I hope that changes. I will make sure that changes.

If #5 doesn’t work, I plan to take a break from the fertility drugs. I can’t do it anymore, at least not now. The medications make me too moody, tired and fat. I hate not feeling like myself. I am still listening to Circle+Bloom each night before sleep which is probably the only reason I am sleeping all right.

So tonight I am drowning my sorrow in Shiraz and cookies ‘n cream ice cream. Wish I was in Savannah drinking green beer *sigh*

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14 Comments

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14 responses to “Wordful Wednesday

  1. i totally understand how you feel. sending you hugs and love.

  2. Jennifer

    I’ve only just “met” you, but my heart aches for you. It’s so hard, isn’t it? And all the chemicals you’re on don’t make it any easier.

    I have lots of stories, all good. But I don’t know if you want or need that right now.

    So, for now, just know that there is a stranger out there holding you in her heart as you cry and rage and ache.

    Peace,
    IrishJennD

  3. Waiting Lisa

    I’m sorry.

    I’m here if you want to talk.

    Whether it be via blog, twitter, or text, I’m here.

    I wish I could make all the pain go away for you.

  4. I AM SO SORRY.

    Nothing makes it better or easier – it on;y gets harder each time – and I’m so sorry that you are feeling all of this. All I can say is that I’m thinking of you and have nothing but the best of wishes for you. Drink you winw-eat your ice cream and just spent time with your husband and your wonderful pets – surround yourself with love.

    you WILL be a mom one day

  5. I am so sorry for everything you have been through and everything you are going through now. I wish there was something I could say or do to make it better and take away the pain. You are in my thoughts and prayers all the time and I know you will be a mom soon. sending lots of hugs and love your way

  6. I am so sorry that it didn’t work out. You guys really deserve to see those 2 pink lines! I know that there’s really nothing anyone can say to make you feel much better about the whole thing, but know that we’re here for you and if there’s anything you need (even if it’s like… emailing you silly pictures of puppies dressed up in dress clothes every day) please tell me! I only made it through 2 months of fertility drugs before falling apart completely so you are ahead of me and many others on that battle. You’re strong! You’re fabulous! You will be a mommy!

  7. I’m so sorry you feel this way. I wish I could help. I was feeling very down recently and spoke to the reproductive health psychologist at our clinic and it helped. Do you have one at yours?
    I’m also looking forward to feeling like myself again, I don’t remember what that’s like.
    Thinking of you.

  8. brittanyib

    Becca I’m so sorry. I know I can’t possibly understand what you’re going through, but I can and do pray for you & P often ❤

  9. I am so sorry it was negative again this month. It totally sucks. I know it’s so hard to not be depressed after you get a bfn. Give yourself some time to grieve and feel better. You will feel better again soon.

  10. I’m so sorry. I know that when you hit those lows, it’s hard to get back up. Sending lots of hugs and love your way. Enjoy that Shiraz and ice cream. You totally deserve it.

  11. 😦 Sending you hugs and support from here. Damn this IF train is a right pain in the ass. I’m sorry that this has been an especially hard time for you.

    Treat yourself well – you deserve it. You can do this. YOU WILL.

  12. I’m so sorry. This sucks. I know just how hard this is and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I really hope IUI#5 is the one for you. I really do.

  13. Hey LGG, I’ve been reading you for awhile. I am the Program Director for The American Fertility Association. Please email me. I want to hear about your treatment and stick my two cents in if I don’t agree with the protocols in place. Five IUI’s is about 2 too many. There is also financial support for military families that you may not know about. corey@theafa.org.

    • liberalgranolagirl

      The reason for so many IUIs is that my husband had leukocytospermia for 2 of them. We could’ve chosen to scratch those at the last minute but did not.

      Treatment with the IUIs has been Femara 25mg on CD3, Follistim 100iu CD5-10. I’ve been on 500mg Metformin BID for almost 2 yrs to help with PCOS. In February of 2009 I was Dx with Stage 2 endometriosis and had adhesions removed.

      I will definitely look into the financial support of military families. Thanks!

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