This time tomorrow…..

I will be PUPO! I cannot believe it. My best work friend is keeping the babes tomorrow and I have arranged play/diaper/sleeping areas in the TV room for my couch rest time. Tomorrow morning I will make baked oatmeal and poppy seed chicken casserole so that I don’t have to stand on my feet on actually cook 🙂 Movies have been rented through RedBox and we also have plenty available On Demand (free) and in our DVD collection. The house is clean and most of the laundry is done….so I think that I am ready for tomorrow.

Now I am praying that this works and we have a new baby or two in the fall 🙂

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In 48 hours…..

I will be PUPO! I am so excited and scared. I wish that P was here for all of this. Depending on other people (besides him) makes me nervous and generally uncomfortable.

Our 6 embabies are doing fine as of yesterday ❤ They are all average to high quality and I won't get another update on them until the morning of the transfer. I am praying that all is well and that we get a healthy baby from this IVF cycle.

Ugh, and now I'm crying again. Damn hormones!

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And then there were 6

I had my egg retrieval this morning and the RE got 6 eggs. P’s swimmers looked great after thawing and the embryologist was optimistic. My friend, Brittany, took me for the ER and watched the kids….yeah, they had to come with us since we got some snow and the preschool had a late open of 8am. She took them to McD’s to play while I was there. From the time I got there until I was released was about 90 min. I do very well with the twilight anasthesia 🙂

So now we wait and pray that they fertilize and that we end up with a healthy baby. I cannot thank y’all enough for all of the support through out all of this….seriously, I could not do it without y’all.

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A short but sweet update

This week we have finally gotten into a routine & the kids are finally feeling better. SB, niece, is eating better and sleeping better. Bedtime is now a comfortable routine for all of us 🙂

We’re still working on the whole bonding/attaching part and I’m ok with that. I cannot explain how much y’alls support and acceptance means. I’m going easier on myself and realizing that things aren’t going to happen over night….and that it’s all okay 🙂

In other news, still doing injections in prep for IVF 1.0. I have another date with Wandy tomorrow & I’m hoping for a weekend egg retrieval. I’m praying that this works the first time, for lots of reasons.

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It’s not always pretty

I have debated writing this post for several days because I know that some readers out there who don’t really know me will probably think the total worst about me. After much thought, I have decided to write it…not necessarily for me but to let others out there know that they are not alone. I welcome comments but any hateful, rude or just plain mean ones will be deleted. Suggestions, questions and support are welcomed.

As y’all know, we got custody of the babes. They are here with me and we are adjusting. I also started lu.pron in preparation for IVF 1.0 next month. P is still in Afghanistan. Life has not been easy for the past couple of weeks.

I want to believe that my feelings that I am about to share are because of the lu.pron. I really think that they are, and so does my husband as well as a close friend of mine. The only way I will ever really know (I guess) is when I finally get off the lu.pron.

We went from having no children to having a 2.5 yr old girl and a 1 yr old boy. We’ll call her SB and him JM. I love them, I think. Yeah, I know-the vast majority of y’all probably want to smack me right now. Trust me, that’s better than what I though about doing to myself. I’m having trouble bonding to them….especially to SB. Note *I* am having troyble bonding, not that they are having bonding or attachment issues. I don’t know what it could be, other than my hormones wreaking havoc on my emotions and mind.

Last week I actually told my husband that I thought we made a huge mistake by getting the babes….and I also said that maybe I am not supposed to be a mother and maybe we shouldn’t go through with IVF. I mean HOW could I be meant to be a mother when I was considering giving back the babes when I have never even considered giving back one of our dogs or cats? I wrote him an email, in tears…kind of like now while I’m typing. I didn’t know who else to talk to other than him…I feared that anyone else would yell at me or tell me that I was stupid or worse yet, tell me that I was right….that I was not meant to be a mother.

I Googled “problems attaching with adopted child” and found a blog post about a mother who had problems attaching to her adoptive daughter. It’s like she was typing what I was feeling. *relieved sigh* I’m not alone. I talked to another friend about what I was feeling (she also happens to be a therapist) and she listened, without judgment. She reminded me that things would get better, this was probably due to the lu.pron and reminded me that I can call her any time and tell her anything (I cannot explain how wonderful and relieved that made me feel.)

So here we are, days later after my breakdown. I still feel….I don’t even know how to describe it. It feels like depression; like all I want to do is stay in bed all day and sleep. But then again it almost feels like I feel nothing at all…all I know is that I don’t like it at all.

Of course, we are not giving the babes back. They are ours. I am working diligently to bond to both of them. I am figuring out ways to especially build an attachment to SB…I truly think that I have the more difficult time with her because I have never wanted a daughter nor pictured myself with a daughter. I’ve always wanted boys. And no, it’s not due to some f’ed up relationship with my mother-I actually have a fucking fantastic momma. I don’t why it is that I’ve never pictured myself as having a daughter. Maybe I need to explore that in therapy.

So there you have it. The babes and I are making it day by day and learning to be with each other and love each other.

Updated Dec 31, 2010
Wow, I cannot express to y’all how much your love and support means. Seriously, I have been in tears (happy ones) over all the messages of love and support. Thank you ❤

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Im back, kind of

I’ve been super busy lately, but for good reason. Today, we got my SIL’s babies ❤ I picked them up & they are now in their forever home. We are officially parents!

Once I get this whole time management thing down, expect some posts on co sleeping, healthy toddler eating, gentle discipline & parenting a child with delays. I. Am. Super. Stoked.

Oh, and I start IVF meds on the 19th 🙂

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IVF 1.0 starts TOMORROW!!!!

To my male readers who do not want to read about bodily fluids unique to females, too bad 😀

So remember how I met with Nurse Awesome (that’s her new nickname, I’ve decided) in October and we figured out that if AF stayed regular, we’d have to push IVF to the end of January? (The reason for that is because the embryologists have down time around the end of Dec for the holiday season.) Well, AF was late last month (which was incredibly frustrating for me since there was no way I was with child) and she was right on time this month (incredibly heartbreaking since it was our last natural TTC cycle). So I called Nurse Awesome to let her know that CD1 was yesterday since they want to keep track of that before IVF. She called back and left a message about calling in birth control for the next 2 cycles for a January IVF. I called back, left a message and said “that’s fine” and told her what pharmacy I use. Then she called back with fan-freaking-tastic news 🙂

She double checked the calendar and realized that if I start bc tomorrow, and continue taking active ones through December 24th WE CAN START STIMS ON THE 26TH!!!!! This is a whole month ahead of schedule which is freaking amazing and it’s the original time that P and I decided that we wanted to do it. I am excited and nervous and full of HOPE that this will work for us.

So I now have roughly 4 weeks to get in the best shape possible-I CAN SO DO THIS. Tonight I am having my last bottle of wine for what I hope is a very long time 😉 Tomorrow I will be heading to the studio for Zumba and TRX, which will continue until the doctor says I need to slow down. Tomorrow I will also be getting my bc pills, Metformin refill, Folgard refill and Prenatal refill. Oh, and I’ll be setting a therapy appointment tomorrow!

For real, I am stoked for this. I really am. I am determined to remain hopeful and optimistic through this process. We WILL be parents ❤

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