Tag Archives: anxiety

Confession time……

Last week I went to the “coordination of care” meetings at the IVF clinic. I met with the financial person, embryologist and my nurse. I was quite informative and answered lots of my questions but y’all…..I AM FREAKING OUT NOW. Not like all the time but when I stop and think about it doing it without P being here (thank you deployment), that’s when it really gets me.

I’m not scared of giving myself injections-I injected myself 99% of the time when we did IUIs-but I’m anxious about not having the in person support of him. I have great friends here IRL and in cyberspace, but nothing can replace the feeling of having my best friend, my soulmate home and emotionally supporting me. Having him hold me at night while I cry out my worry of never getting pregnant, no one else can do that.

And that brings me to something else….what if it doesn’t work? My team of people at the IVF clinic are confident but we all know that it not working is a definite possibility. Gah, I can’t think about that right now….I will lose it if I do. I haven’t been to therapy in forever…I really need to call her.

I put on a good front most of the time because with P being gone, I have been able to NOT focus on getting pregnant. Now that’s all gonna change….and I might be a crazy hormonal person again *sigh*

Of course, if we get naturally pregnant over R&R (and I stay pregnant) then I’ll be the happiest woman EVER!

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Meatless Monday

Well, tonight’s was not my favorite meal. I tried The Pioneer Woman’s recipe that I posted last week and let’s just say that it wasn’t a hit. I should’ve known better-I don’t like spinach unless it’s in a smoothie or a salad. I think that I have figured out that P and I are pasta purists. No more fancy sauces for us.

I think that others would definitely love this dish. If you like cooked spinach and blue cheese, definitely give this one a shot. If you are a pasta purist like I am, skip it and move on to one of her other delicious recipes 🙂

On a side note, I’m calling my therapist tomorrow to set up my first appointment. I am way too anxious and moody right now. I figured out that part of my heart racing/anxiety last night (which caused me to get next to no sleep) was due to dehydration. I have mild mitral valve prolapse and dehydration can aggravate the symptoms. I have been drinking water (and 32 ounces of my green smoothie) all day which seems to have given me some relief. I know that the MVP isn’t all of it, so I am considering getting sleeping pills to take on an as needed basis. Something mild, not like the ProSom that I used to take. Last night was especially bad because not only could I not fall asleep, once I finally did I couldn’t stay asleep. Brother deployed, husband about to deploy, new job, new city, trying to start IVF…..yeah, no wonder I have issues sleeping.

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I’m neurotic.

Last night as I was laying in bed with my fan-fucking-tastic husband, I had a slight breakdown. I felt the familiar rush of anxiety-heart racing, increased breathing, spinning thoughts. Only this time it wasn’t about infertility, it was about deployment. Fuck, I hate that word. We haven’t even gotten to P’s new unit but we know (as well as you can “know” in the Army) that they are deploying next year. P is looking forward to it in a weird way because he wants to do his job again and because he needs another deployment for his career. I understand it but I am scared, so scared.

P’s last deployment was just a few months long with a special ops unit and I was in my own little bubble. I didn’t really know what he did. I didn’t know, until after he got home, how many close calls there were. Now I know the real danger and although it won’t be as bad because he will be in a regular Army unit (not that the reg Army isn’t in danger but it’s just different than special ops) the danger is still very real. I started thinking last night about how he will be gone for all the major holidays next year. At least he’ll be here for our anniversary.

Will we get pregnant before he leaves? Will he be able to be here for the birth if we do get pregnant? How the hell will I make it through my first winter in CO (I’m from AL and so not used to snow) without him? How will I be pregnant/give birth on my own? How will the dogs act while he’s gone for a year? Dear God, what will I do if he doesn’t come home?

Those are just some of the questions that went through my mind last night as I laid in bed. Tears running down my face, my head started spinning. Even typing this I have tears running down my face. I look at him and cannot imagine not having him for a year. I’m not worried about us as a couple-we can make it. We are strong, stubborn and committed. I just don’t want to do it. I know as an Army wife that I have to do it and I will do it. I will not feel sorry for myself when it happens and I know that I will make the best of it. It’s the anticipation and “what ifs” that suck.

So last night, with tears running down my face, I turned over and snuggled with P. Immediately my heartrate and breathing slowed. I started to calm down. I don’t know what it is about him, but he has that effect on me. The “what ifs” are still there, in the back of mind, nagging me. I’ve had this neurotic issue since I was a child. I used to have several sleepless nights before moving on to the next grade in school because I was worried that I couldn’t hack it. It’s not new to me and I know that it will pass but it’s not a fun thing.

So for now, today, I am focusing on how happy I am with him. If we don’t get pregnant before deployment, it’s ok because I still have him. He’ll come home to me in CO and we’ll continue to enjoy our wonderful life. We’ll snowboard. We’ll get tattoos. I’ll get piercings. We’ll explore CO. Hopefully, one day we’ll have little ones to share our life with, but until then I’m happy to share it with him, my fan-fucking-tastic husband.

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Freaking out….

Our first appt with our RE is on the 21st of this month and I am starting to freak out. Like panic attack, crying, not being able to breath freaking out. This is it, we’re in this for real. We’ve been TTC for over 2 yrs, no luck with meds and sex so now this. Seriously freaking out. Just want to get preggo and not go completely insane or financially broke in the process.

I had another meltdown yesterday and feel one coming on thoday at work. It’s not just the IF it’s that I hate this town, I’ll be driving over an hour to my RE appts, money sucks and our dear friends left for San Francisco last week (so incredibly happy fpr them but miss them *cries*). I know that we will PCS hopefully by February and that’s great but if I don’t get preggo by then , then we have ot start all over in another town with another dr. I swear, I don’t think that I can handle that plus if we go where we want to go hubby will be deploying before the end of 2010….so if we don’t get preggo by the time he leaves, then there’s another year of not being pregnant.

I am trying to be realistic about IUI and the fact that we will probably not get preggo the first time but then again, I want to be optimistic about it. That’s such a fine line to balance, though b/c I’ve tried doing it before when I was on Clomid and then again when I was on Femara. I have to get myself together, though because this rollercoaster of emotions is not godd for me or for the relationship with hubby.

Ok, enough blogging about this-I’m gonna break down. Off to call medical records and see about getting records sent to the RE.

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How do people do this???

I feel like my heart is going to beat right out of my chest. What if she changes her mind? I have been looking at baby stuff and even started a baby registry on Walmart’s website. What if it’s all for nothing? How do adoptive parents do this, waiting for the birth mother to give birth and then sign papers? Seriously, I only slept 6 hours last night and I cannot keep food in my stomach.

I have been researching all morning (thank you, Becca for letting me borrow the laptop) and I have figured out that LA doesn’t do the guardianship thing but that we can file for relative adoption here. Literally all R has to do is sign a consent for us to adopt and then we do the rest. There is no home evaluation (b/c we are family) but there is a waiting period for finalization and background checks. Of course, R has to agree to all of this which I really pray will happen. In order to give S everything she needs and deserves we really need to adopt her. We want an open adoption with R and we of course would not cut off contact with her.

I need to relax and not stress but I can’t help it. My house is a mess and it must be cleaned today. The dogs must be played with and I need to shower. Seriously wish my husband was home with me to help with all of this….

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