Tag Archives: deployment

Day by Day…..

I haven’t gone a day without crying.

I haven’t gone a day without praying that it wasn’t true.

Some days I am hopeful and hopeless at different times on the same days.

Everyday I am terrified that FET will not work.

Everyday I thank God for my family, friends and especially my amazing husband who makes me feel supported all the way from Afghanistan.

I have a plan because, well….plans make me feel better and more in control. I have become a BeachBody coach and plan to work through P90X (for a second time, love it!) and then Insanity so that I can get in shape and lose the IUI/IVF weight that I’ve gained over the past 2 years. I really want to make my BeachBody business work so that we can become debt free and so that we can save up money for future infertility treatments. My goal this week is to get through all the BB training so that I can really get started in this. For me, it’s not just about making money; it’s also about helping people improve their lives and get healthy. Here are my sites (so far) http://beachbodycoach.com/esuite/home/liberalgranola (My BeachBody page) and http://myshakeology.com/esuite/home/liberalgranola (my Shakeology page). I drink the chocolate Shakeology everyday and I freaking love it! Look for more posts on here about me getting in shape and helping others 🙂

My health/fitness goal is to lose 2 dress sizes, which will get me back to where I was before starting injectable infertility medications. It is a totally do-able goal for me. Also I’ll be smokin’ hot for P when he returns from deployment 🙂

I realize that there is no way that I can do FET without P here. Doing this fresh IVF cycle without him here, while being solely responsible for the kiddos was way too stressful. I have my WTF appt with the RE next month and I plan to talk to him about FET in detail, including letting him know my reasons for waiting. This failed IVF cycle has just been so emotionally and physically draining….I now know that I need P here with me for support.

I could not have gotten through this without the amazing support from my friends online. Seriously, y’all are a lifeline to me. Yo have people who understand, support me and don’t judge me is so wonderful. I love y’all.

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Getting the ball rolling

Next week I have my first pre-IVF test, a saline sonogram. I am excited and of course nervous. This whole TTC break that we’ve been on for 4 months has been kind of nice-no dates with Wandy, no pee sticks, no blood tests-but it’s time to get back on the horse again.

If all goes as planned I’ll have the saline sonogram next week, a trial embryo transfer the next week, consultations in November and then IVF with ICSI in December. By waiting until December, we are assured that P will be back for the birth (still thinking positively). I’m nervous as hell about going through this without him being here as an emotional support but damn it, I’m ready to be pregnant!

Wonderfully, P is very positive in all of this and continues to encourage and support me all that he can from over there. Things are stressful for me right now-adjusting to deployment, trying to adopt SIL’s kids, working full time, etc-but he’s definitely doing whatever he can to help.

Speaking of adopting SIL’s kids, things are at a stand still at the moment. The caseworker should be coming back from medical leave this week so I hope to hear back from her as far as what the plan is. SIL has been calling and texting a lot…she’s still not stable and is quite paranoid. Court is next week so I am hoping for some anwers at least by then.

Apparently I am behind on blogging-I need to write at least 2 for Living The Army Life before the end of the day and I am going to write a little more upbeat one for my deployment blog when I get home later tonight. Maybe one day I can actually make a living from blogging and giving advice through the Interwebz.

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I Am Loved

P has left for a year-ish. He will be overseas fighting in this MF’ing war. I am so proud of him and what he does for a living but this will damn sure be the most difficult year of my life so far. I love that man and cannot wait to kiss him again. He’s texted and called all day to check on me. He’s going to war yet he’s checking on ME who is sitting at home in my comfy house. *sigh* The bestest man, for real.

Through my Twitter, FB, Army wife message board, deployment blog (if you want that link, email me at TTC_Queen@yahoo.com) and cell phone, I have felt tremendous love and support today. Not that I haven’t felt the support before, I have, but today it was amazing. When I was blubbering in the wee hours hours of the morning, my Twitter friends (from across the world) wrapped their virtual arms around me in love. My all time BFF texted with me from Chicago until she could no longer stay awake. I got loving text messages from Twitter friends and local Army wife friends, all letting me know that I was loved and that I can do this. My BFF here more than forgave me for skipping out on Zumba (I didn’t fall asleep until after sunrise) and her cooking me breakfast. My FB friends have left the most amazing supportive messages and wall postings. My Army wife message board friends have been amazing. I’ve gotten emails and texts from my family all day.

The only way that I am coping as well as I am is because of my family and friends and their love. I’ve managed to shower, go to WalMart, eat and clean some of the house today. I haven’t spent the entire day in tears. I’ve thought about all the goals I can achieve while he’s gone (not that I couldn’t achieve them with him here, but I need to focus on the positive). I’ve laughed. I’ve cried at the love I’ve received. I’ve been supremely touched that people that I’ve never met in real life care so much about me, about P and about all the troops that are deployed. As an Army wife it seriously makes me feel all warm and gooey inside.

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A Wonderful Sunburned Weekend

P and I have enjoyed a wonderful, beautiful weekend. Friday night we did our normal thing-watched movies and drank at home. I normally go to Zumba on Saturday mornings but P asked me to please spend the whole day with him, so we went fishing 🙂 We got up, got breakfast, bought supplies at Dick’s and then headed to the Skaguay Reservoir for a day of fishing.

On the way...


My hunky hubs

LOVE fishing in the mountains


My pretty fishing pole

Pretty flower


The master at work


Beautiful clear water


Our fuel for the day

We didn’t catch any fish but spending quality time alone, with no cell phone reception was great. We both got sunburned and then went to a local Mexican joint for food. I think that we are going to do some river fishing next weekend. Hopefully we’ll catch something so that we can have fresh fish for dinner 🙂

Today we spent much of our day helping our friend, Sarah, move to her new house. Most people might like consider that fun but it seriously was fun. So happy for her that she bought a home and I can’t wait to spend time over there with her painting and having girl time when P deploys. After helping her we grabbed lunch at Red Robin’s and went to Whole Foods. Yes, heart Whole Foods so much. Sundays have traditionally been our days to run errands and spend time together. They will be very hard for me when P leaves.

In other news, my therapist is awesome and has volunteered to take me to the egg retrieval and embryo transfer when the time comes. When I mentioned going to BWW while P is gone, she also said that she would go there and to SB with me if needed. I could not be happier about her being my therapist and firmly believe that I would not be able to make it through all of this without her. If you are going through fertility challenges or deployment, I highly recommend therapy.

Now I’m off to watch the series finale of The Tudors with the best husband in the world.

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I’m No Longer a Virgin….

a therapy virgin that is. I finished my first therapy session about an hour ago and I loved it. I was so nervous and excited about it right before I went it to meet her. She completely put me at ease and the office was homey, not at all “therapy” feeling. It was like talking to friend the whole time, a friend that was inside my head :-p

I seriously cannot explain how great it felt to talk to someone about the stress of infertility, deployment, IVF, moving, etc. I mean, I love you readers and Tweeters but having a real live person, who has been through infertility (yep, she’s been down that road) and is a trained therapist is truly wonderful. After just one session I no longer feel as overwhelmed with this whole IVF process during deployment. I seriously feel like I can handle it.

If you are going through infertility, deployment, adoption or just feeling overwhelmed I highly recommend therapy. Yes, I know it seems odd for me to recommend it after only one session but I can tell even at this point that I have found the right therapist and that she will be a great help to me.

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Ahhhh, the joys of pre-deployment

This is a blog post I had not intended to write but felt the need to write after a discussion that P and I had tonight.

P has been working over night, on and off, for the past week. I had not seen him since yesterday morning and did not expect to see him until tomorrow night but thankfully he was able to come home tonight. Of course, like a good wife =p, I asked him about his day-that’s when he dropped somewhat of a bomb. “X’s wife cleaned out their bank account while we were in the field.” (Obviously the guy’s name isn’t X but I am protecting the identity of the innocent.) Apparently X and his wife had been having some issues so she cleaned out the back account and we assume took off. This kicked off our pre-deployment conversation. It goes something like this:

P- “You love me?”
Me- “yes”
P- “forever?”
Me- “Of course, darling.”
P- “You’re not gonna get tired of waiting for me for 12 months?”
Me- “Of course not. You’re my love. You better not cruise the dating websites when you’re bored in the desert.”
P-*rolls his eyes* “All I’ll be doing is working out and focusing on the mission while I’m there. Seriously, I don’t what I’d do if you did that” (referring to what X’s wife did while he was in the field for a few days.”
Me- “I could never do that, well unless you cruised the dating websites like S’s husband did and found an online girlfriend while deployed. Then I could do it.”

By this time we were at the restaurant. To be clear, neither P nor I have a trust issue with each other. It’s a reassurance conversation that we seem to have every so often. It’s a damn shame that soldiers even have to worry about cheating spouses/partners when they are deployed. I have heard of too many stories and it hurts my heart. I cannot imagine even thinking about cheating while P is gone. Some people ask things like “I can’t imagine going without sex for so long-there’s no way that I could do it.” Well, if you’re relationship is centered around sex, then no, you couldn’t do it. This coming deployment will be my first long one with P (his other one was only a few months) but I truly don’t think that sex will be the first thing in my mind (I really don’t think that it will even be in the top 5). Not that sex isn’t important but there are way more important things in my opinion.

I’m not blogging about this upcoming deployment to get attention or to get any kudos. It’s funny because when people talk about how hard it must be to be a military spouse, I just don’t truly get it because I’ve only been married to a military man. I don’t know anything different so I don’t know if it’s easier to be the wife of someone in another career choice. I mean, intellectually yes, I understand what people mean by that and yes, being without him for a year will suck but I’ve had him at home for 3.5 years which is great in the Army world. I’ve been preparing for a possible deployment for months and I know that P is ready to deploy and “do his job”.

We’ve also been focusing on the positive parts of the big D-We will be almost completely debt free, have a decent saving account and hopefully be able to start an IRA by the end of it. We will be able to save up some money for IVF (I’m doing this even if we get a BFP before he leaves because we want at least 2 children). We will be able to write each other beautiful love letters and cards. Yes, I am really in that zen of a place right now that I can focus on the positive and not the negative of my husband deploying for a year.

I’m sure I’ll be a mess when he leaves. I miss him even when he’s gone for a few days. I’m sure he’ll be a mess, too. We’ll be okay, though….we always are ❤

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I’m whining again….blah

Ok, first of all I really am a strong military wife. P and I signed up for this (as in, we made the joint decision for him to re-enlist and have agreed that he will retire from the military) and we didn’t do so lightly. We knew that there would be deployments, moving, etc. We are also thankful for the benefits of him being in the military-healthcare, some infertility benefits, job stability, etc. I love being a military wife but at times, I must whine about it.

We got a bit of deployment confirmation today….unofficial but still a bit official. Confused yet? Anyway, it’s ok, we knew that he would get deployed and he needs another deployment for his career. It’s just, ugh….I don’t know how to explain to people who haven’t experienced it but I will try. I feel pride, love, anxiety, sadness, nauseous all at once. It’s knowing that in a matter of months you will say goodbye to your soulmate for many months and possibly forever. Yes, it’s not a popular topic but it’s a real one to me because two Army wives that I know on the internet lost their husbands to war. It’s not something that P or I focus on but we have talked about it and will probably talk about it more before he leaves. It’s realizing that in so many months (cannot say numbers due to OPSEC) I will be running our home on my own, with all responsibilities being mine for at least a year. Can I do that? Hell yeah I can. Do I look forward to it? No. Well, except for having complete control of the TV remote :-p It’s realizing that in less than a year’s time I will move to a new city, find a new job, buy a home, find a new fertility dr, *hopefully* get pregnant and send my husband to war. Wow. When I look at it all typed out I’m surprised that I am not a raging alcoholic by now.

I really hate to be such a downer but I have to get this out somewhere and blogging helps me organize my thoughts and emotions. P and I have been fighting much of the day today-not like all out screaming, more like bickering-because of the stress. We are fine and we know that it is the stress but knowing and being able to completely stop it are two different things. Thankfully both P and I know that we will do fine over deployment and we will come out of it stronger than ever. In fact, it’s the time before the deployment that is so difficult because you know it’s coming and sometimes the unknowns take over your head. At those times-which are actually not too often yet-I have to remind myself that we have plenty of awesome days before he leaves; that we need to continue to make time to have fun and enjoy each other; and that we cannot waste our time worrying about what might happen when he’s fighting a war. We have a great life and I know that it will only get better.

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