Tag Archives: foster care

It’s not always pretty

I have debated writing this post for several days because I know that some readers out there who don’t really know me will probably think the total worst about me. After much thought, I have decided to write it…not necessarily for me but to let others out there know that they are not alone. I welcome comments but any hateful, rude or just plain mean ones will be deleted. Suggestions, questions and support are welcomed.

As y’all know, we got custody of the babes. They are here with me and we are adjusting. I also started lu.pron in preparation for IVF 1.0 next month. P is still in Afghanistan. Life has not been easy for the past couple of weeks.

I want to believe that my feelings that I am about to share are because of the lu.pron. I really think that they are, and so does my husband as well as a close friend of mine. The only way I will ever really know (I guess) is when I finally get off the lu.pron.

We went from having no children to having a 2.5 yr old girl and a 1 yr old boy. We’ll call her SB and him JM. I love them, I think. Yeah, I know-the vast majority of y’all probably want to smack me right now. Trust me, that’s better than what I though about doing to myself. I’m having trouble bonding to them….especially to SB. Note *I* am having troyble bonding, not that they are having bonding or attachment issues. I don’t know what it could be, other than my hormones wreaking havoc on my emotions and mind.

Last week I actually told my husband that I thought we made a huge mistake by getting the babes….and I also said that maybe I am not supposed to be a mother and maybe we shouldn’t go through with IVF. I mean HOW could I be meant to be a mother when I was considering giving back the babes when I have never even considered giving back one of our dogs or cats? I wrote him an email, in tears…kind of like now while I’m typing. I didn’t know who else to talk to other than him…I feared that anyone else would yell at me or tell me that I was stupid or worse yet, tell me that I was right….that I was not meant to be a mother.

I Googled “problems attaching with adopted child” and found a blog post about a mother who had problems attaching to her adoptive daughter. It’s like she was typing what I was feeling. *relieved sigh* I’m not alone. I talked to another friend about what I was feeling (she also happens to be a therapist) and she listened, without judgment. She reminded me that things would get better, this was probably due to the lu.pron and reminded me that I can call her any time and tell her anything (I cannot explain how wonderful and relieved that made me feel.)

So here we are, days later after my breakdown. I still feel….I don’t even know how to describe it. It feels like depression; like all I want to do is stay in bed all day and sleep. But then again it almost feels like I feel nothing at all…all I know is that I don’t like it at all.

Of course, we are not giving the babes back. They are ours. I am working diligently to bond to both of them. I am figuring out ways to especially build an attachment to SB…I truly think that I have the more difficult time with her because I have never wanted a daughter nor pictured myself with a daughter. I’ve always wanted boys. And no, it’s not due to some f’ed up relationship with my mother-I actually have a fucking fantastic momma. I don’t why it is that I’ve never pictured myself as having a daughter. Maybe I need to explore that in therapy.

So there you have it. The babes and I are making it day by day and learning to be with each other and love each other.

Updated Dec 31, 2010
Wow, I cannot express to y’all how much your love and support means. Seriously, I have been in tears (happy ones) over all the messages of love and support. Thank you ❤

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Im back, kind of

I’ve been super busy lately, but for good reason. Today, we got my SIL’s babies ❤ I picked them up & they are now in their forever home. We are officially parents!

Once I get this whole time management thing down, expect some posts on co sleeping, healthy toddler eating, gentle discipline & parenting a child with delays. I. Am. Super. Stoked.

Oh, and I start IVF meds on the 19th 🙂

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Major decision to make….by Monday

I know I’ve not been around on here much but I’m now asking for help. P and I have a major decision to make by Monday. Long story short, we’ve been asked by CPS if we want to adopt SIL’s children. I told her that we would let her know on Monday. I know to some of y’all this seems like a no brainer but there are definite things we have to sort out-day care costs, some therapy for the 2 year old (she’s exhibiting some anger issues already), SIL and her instability (she’s currently harrassing the relatives that have the children, which is why they are giving them up), deployment (how will I do with 2 kids by myself) and our upcoming IVF (new post on that later but looks like it’s happening in September and NOT with CCRM).

My heart is screaming yes but I know that P needs to be on board 100% with this. Part of me wonders if it’s selfish to want to adopt the children when they would be placed in a pre-adoptive home….then I remember some of the pre-adoptive (and adoptive) homes that I worked with when I was in CPS….not saying all are bad-there are WONDERFUL foster to foster/adopt parents out there-but I saw several not good ones. Another part of me wonders if this is our chance to be parents. What if God/the universe is trying to tell us something? What if we don’t adopt now, then IVF/FET doesn’t work and we have to take a major loan for private adoption?

I’m going to therapy tonight….not sure if I’m going to tell her about this because there are so many other things that I need to discuss.

Please blogger friends, pray that we make the right decision. Offer input if you like but only if it’s constructive and out of caring-I simply cannot take negativity right now.

My Twitter friends are amazing and have been listening to me talk about this all day. I want to say a special thank you to 2 wonderful friends Holly and Lisa. Love both of you ❤

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