Tag Archives: love

I Am Loved

P has left for a year-ish. He will be overseas fighting in this MF’ing war. I am so proud of him and what he does for a living but this will damn sure be the most difficult year of my life so far. I love that man and cannot wait to kiss him again. He’s texted and called all day to check on me. He’s going to war yet he’s checking on ME who is sitting at home in my comfy house. *sigh* The bestest man, for real.

Through my Twitter, FB, Army wife message board, deployment blog (if you want that link, email me at TTC_Queen@yahoo.com) and cell phone, I have felt tremendous love and support today. Not that I haven’t felt the support before, I have, but today it was amazing. When I was blubbering in the wee hours hours of the morning, my Twitter friends (from across the world) wrapped their virtual arms around me in love. My all time BFF texted with me from Chicago until she could no longer stay awake. I got loving text messages from Twitter friends and local Army wife friends, all letting me know that I was loved and that I can do this. My BFF here more than forgave me for skipping out on Zumba (I didn’t fall asleep until after sunrise) and her cooking me breakfast. My FB friends have left the most amazing supportive messages and wall postings. My Army wife message board friends have been amazing. I’ve gotten emails and texts from my family all day.

The only way that I am coping as well as I am is because of my family and friends and their love. I’ve managed to shower, go to WalMart, eat and clean some of the house today. I haven’t spent the entire day in tears. I’ve thought about all the goals I can achieve while he’s gone (not that I couldn’t achieve them with him here, but I need to focus on the positive). I’ve laughed. I’ve cried at the love I’ve received. I’ve been supremely touched that people that I’ve never met in real life care so much about me, about P and about all the troops that are deployed. As an Army wife it seriously makes me feel all warm and gooey inside.

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Where to begin???

I have so many things that I want to blog about at this moment but I suppose that the I’ll begin with is a TTC update. I swear that the next blog with have little to do with hormones, injections, Wandy and timed sex.

I was going to write a blog about this IUI, number 4, being our hail mary pass for pregnancy, but the more I thought about it, the less sense it made. This is not our hail mary pass for pregnancy. This is just our hail mary pass for pregnancy before we leave Louisiana. I still fully believe that we will get our BFP, either this time or a time in the future. Since I made the decision to breathe in the positive and blow out the negative (thanks again, Circle+Bloom), I have continued to feel better and more at peace with this whole process. I didn’t cry once when I got a BFN and then AF last week. Let me rephrase that-I didn’t cry because of the BFN and AF but I did cry over other things (a subject for another blog post). I don’t feel desperate for pregnancy any more. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be pregnant and I want to be a Mommy but I refuse to let it define me any more.

One of the things I’ve done over the past few weeks is to read, for pleasure, again. I have read 2 books in 2 weeks (not including another 1 that I finished in those 2 weeks), listened to a book on tape on the drive home from Alabama and I am starting a new book tonight. (I am really thinking about doing book reviews on all the books I read-opinions?) I have 2 more books lined up to read and have decided to keep up with my GoodReads account. When I read, I read to get lost in a book. I don’t always read light hearted books. In general, I like non-fiction books more than fiction books. I like to learn about the world to open my mind and to educate myself. I cannot express how much I love reading books that have nothing to do with fertility issues, infertility cures, fertility diets, etc. Don’t get me wrong, those books are great and informative but I found that I was only reading those books and everything in my life-other than work-was once again starting to revolve around TTC, fertility challenges, RE appointments, etc. When I get that way, I am not pleasant to be around. Escaping in a good book is like a good drug to me 🙂

I have SUCKED at the whole working out for TTC. I bought a prenatal yoga video and have done it a couple of times but somehow snuggling in bed or on the couch with my husband is more tempting than exercise. I think that P is trying to get me back on track though-for Valentine’s Day he bought me a 2 year subscription to Yoga Journal. I am seriously stoked to get that and I am impressed that he was so thoughtful with the gift. Not that he’s not thoughtful, it just surprised me in a good way. It shouldn’t have surprised me, though-my first gift from him was the DVD Walk the Line. We had met once and had talked on the phone for 2 weeks. I had mentioned my love of Johnny Cash in one of our conversations and remarked that I’d not seen the movie. When I checked into the hotel, it was waiting for me. Anyway, back to me sucking at working out :-p My focus has been so much on TTC, relaxing and spending time with P that I’ve just let it slide. I swear, that I will change and improve. At least my eating is better.

Back to the TTC update 🙂 Had a date with Wandy yesterday (aka, an internal ultrasound) and I had ZERO cysts! My uterine lining looked great and I got the calendar with this month’s protocal-25mg of Femara last night, 100iu Follistim nightly for 5 nights starting tomorrow and 200mg of Prometrium (a form of progesterone) nightly starting the night after the IUI. Yes, that’s right, I have to take Prometrium again. That shit is straight from hell. I was a wreck on it the last time that I took it, and then I only took it for 2 days. This time I’ll be on it for 2 WEEKS! Yeah, I am not amused but apparently I need more than the 90mg of progesterone that Crinone was giving me. God help me (and anyone who has to interact with me) when I am on that devil medicine.

I feel like this has been a rambling blog post, which is kind of how my thoughts have felt lately. More blog posts to come…..

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parachutes and power lines…

A little background first. My hubby jumps out of perfectly good airplanes and helicoptors for the Army. As I have mentioned before he is currently training to compete in this crazy competition. I have never given him jumping a second thought. I have watched him jump once and it was hella cool to me.

Yesterday all the guys who are training for the competition had to jump b/c they had to have a jump within 60 days of the competition. Sweet, I thought, I get to watch him jump again. Well we got there at 0715 and the ceilings were too low for the birds (that’s Army slang for helicoptors) to fly in from the neighboring town. So we wait, for 4 freaking hours. Finally the birds get there, the guys load up and they get ready to jump. In that 4 hours the ceiling improved but the winds worsened. The guys didn’t seem THAT worried so none of us family members/spectators were too worried. The first group of 3 guys jumped. One of them, my friend Amy’s husband ended up in the trees. Don’t worry folks, he was fine and dandy. My hubby was jumping in the next group of 3 guys and he let me know that he’d be the 2nd one out. Cool, I knew which GI Joe is mine. What happened next was not what I was prepared to see.

My hubby jumped, his chute opened (whew) and then the wind took over. Amy and joked that he was going to land on the pavillion roof (where we were standing) just like he said he would. Then he blew past the pavillion. Me-ok, he’s going to land in the grass behind the bleachers. The jumpmaster started yelling directions, the medic turned around to look at P. *loud static, boom sound* More yelling-Don’t touch your shit, don’t touch it. By then I was hurriedly walking up to where he landed. Shit, his parachute is in the live power lines. Another zappy sound. My husband, motionless on the ground. The wind then blew the chute off the wires. More yelling-release, release!!! My hubby getting up and walking. People crowded around him to make sure he’s ok. He says he’s fine and gives me a huge hug and a kiss. He was shaking. He said all that he could think about when he thought that he was going to fry was that he had not kissed me before getting on the bird. Everyone shaken up, telling us we are fucking lucky. No one understands why he isn’t fried.

One of the spectators got a video of the whole thing but I havent’ seen it yet. Another friend, Bunny and her hubby got pictures of it-I seriously can’t wait to see those. Apparently the first chute to power line connection caused a flame and it also caused the lights to dim. I didn’t see the flame b/c I was walking and it was out of my line of sight. Amy told me that she almost fainted when she saw it.

I was amazingly calm right after it happened. It happened so quickly that I don’t think my brain had time to register everything. The group of soldiers and their families had a crawfish boil later in the afternoon and that incident was the hot topic of conversation. It all started to register; I drank an entire bottle of wine when we got home-I’d had a 12 pack at the crawfish boil. P had nightmares all last night and hardly slept. I almost broke down crying while putting on makeup this morning. I don’t want to let him out of my sight. I can’t tell him “i love you” enough.

P’s 1st SGT said to me “I bet you won’t be coming to many more jumps.” Quite the opposite, I will come to every jump that I am allowed to see. If he is going to die on a training jump I want to be there rather than have some random soldiers come to my door. I want to know that I spent every possible second with him. I want his last thought to be the kiss that I gave him before he got on the bird.

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