Tag Archives: marriage

MilSpouse Friday Fill In

Thanks again to the creator of this Wife of a Sailor 🙂

1. What is the longest road trip you’ve ever taken?
Probably my college graduation trip to Colorado from Alabama. I had a BLAST and completely fell in love with Colorado during the week that I spent in Estes Park.

2. Do you collect anything? Tell us a bit about it.
I collect shot glasses from places that I’ve been as well as places that my friends/family visit. My Daddy built a collection case for me and I will soon be asking to build another one.

3. What is your favorite part about being an adult?)
Being married! Seriously, I love being married to my best friend and sharing a life with him.

4. What song brings a tear to your eye?
Glitter by P!nk, Bubbly by Colbie Caillat (we danced to that at our wedding) and More Time by Needtobreathe

5. Describe your first plane ride (how old you were, where you were heading, etc).
Hmmmm, I am really not sure. I remember flying to TX and NV to visit grandparents when I was 16 years old but I am not sure if that was my first plane ride or not. Nonetheless, I enjoy flying and actually flew to Japan on my own to see my brother while he lived there.

Now it’s your turn My MilSpouse friends 🙂

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

A New Plan and a GREAT Weekend

I am taking a 100% break from TTC this month. Earlier I said that I would still chart my BBT but I have decided that even that is too much right now. Of course we’ll still “do the deed” but that’s it. We need a complete break before we start IVF. I feel less stressed already.

Remember how I said I was going to get a personal trainer? Well, I think that I’ve changed my mind. On Saturday I went to Springs Salsa with my my friend Sarah and I LOVED it. Seriously, I went there hungover as all get out (not my best decision ever) and within 15 minutes it was virtually gone. I sweated more in that hour than I do when I run and it was so much fun! Another big plus is that it was all women, a great place to meet friends 🙂 I talked with P and instead of me paying $280 per month for 3 months for a personal trainer, I’m going to join the dance studio! Yes, I am excited 🙂 My new workout plan is Zumba Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays; then C25K, Hundred Push-ups workout and Ab Ripper X on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Crazy? Maybe, but I am determined to decrease my body fat by 13 percent, and making friends is icing on the cake.

P and I have had a great weekend and I wish we had one more day. Friday we went out to BWW and then to a local Irish pub (hence why I had a hangover). Saturday after Zumba we ate lunch at a local place in Old Colorado City (best burger EVER), went to Beer Fest (over 50 microbrews-no we did not sample all of them) and then relaxed on the couch watching movies. Today I visited a church and loved it. It’s an old Gothic style Episcopal church. The service was a good balance of tradition and doctrine. The people were nice and I enjoyed the sermon. Hopefully I can get P to go with me next week.

After church we did our usual eating lunch somewhere (Chipotle was today’s choice), shopping and seeing a movie. We saw Robin Hood and I really liked it; of course staring at Russell Crowe for 2 hours is easy for me :-p We bought a front load washer since our washer broke (being delivered Tuesday) and then bought some stuff for the upcoming deployment. Oh, and I also got 2 pairs of cute black shoes from Kohl’s. My shoe collection has dwindled considerably since getting 4 dogs so I’ve decided to start rebuilding it. I’m also only going to buy good shoes from on-no more Payless, they don’t seem to last.

I’m already looking forward to this coming weekend-we’ll be going to the local roller derby. I plan to bring my camera and hopefully get some decent pictures. Maybe we’ll even take the dogs on a hike again at Garden of the Gods. I savor our weekends together right now…..

5 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

Ahhhh, the joys of pre-deployment

This is a blog post I had not intended to write but felt the need to write after a discussion that P and I had tonight.

P has been working over night, on and off, for the past week. I had not seen him since yesterday morning and did not expect to see him until tomorrow night but thankfully he was able to come home tonight. Of course, like a good wife =p, I asked him about his day-that’s when he dropped somewhat of a bomb. “X’s wife cleaned out their bank account while we were in the field.” (Obviously the guy’s name isn’t X but I am protecting the identity of the innocent.) Apparently X and his wife had been having some issues so she cleaned out the back account and we assume took off. This kicked off our pre-deployment conversation. It goes something like this:

P- “You love me?”
Me- “yes”
P- “forever?”
Me- “Of course, darling.”
P- “You’re not gonna get tired of waiting for me for 12 months?”
Me- “Of course not. You’re my love. You better not cruise the dating websites when you’re bored in the desert.”
P-*rolls his eyes* “All I’ll be doing is working out and focusing on the mission while I’m there. Seriously, I don’t what I’d do if you did that” (referring to what X’s wife did while he was in the field for a few days.”
Me- “I could never do that, well unless you cruised the dating websites like S’s husband did and found an online girlfriend while deployed. Then I could do it.”

By this time we were at the restaurant. To be clear, neither P nor I have a trust issue with each other. It’s a reassurance conversation that we seem to have every so often. It’s a damn shame that soldiers even have to worry about cheating spouses/partners when they are deployed. I have heard of too many stories and it hurts my heart. I cannot imagine even thinking about cheating while P is gone. Some people ask things like “I can’t imagine going without sex for so long-there’s no way that I could do it.” Well, if you’re relationship is centered around sex, then no, you couldn’t do it. This coming deployment will be my first long one with P (his other one was only a few months) but I truly don’t think that sex will be the first thing in my mind (I really don’t think that it will even be in the top 5). Not that sex isn’t important but there are way more important things in my opinion.

I’m not blogging about this upcoming deployment to get attention or to get any kudos. It’s funny because when people talk about how hard it must be to be a military spouse, I just don’t truly get it because I’ve only been married to a military man. I don’t know anything different so I don’t know if it’s easier to be the wife of someone in another career choice. I mean, intellectually yes, I understand what people mean by that and yes, being without him for a year will suck but I’ve had him at home for 3.5 years which is great in the Army world. I’ve been preparing for a possible deployment for months and I know that P is ready to deploy and “do his job”.

We’ve also been focusing on the positive parts of the big D-We will be almost completely debt free, have a decent saving account and hopefully be able to start an IRA by the end of it. We will be able to save up some money for IVF (I’m doing this even if we get a BFP before he leaves because we want at least 2 children). We will be able to write each other beautiful love letters and cards. Yes, I am really in that zen of a place right now that I can focus on the positive and not the negative of my husband deploying for a year.

I’m sure I’ll be a mess when he leaves. I miss him even when he’s gone for a few days. I’m sure he’ll be a mess, too. We’ll be okay, though….we always are ❤

9 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

Where to begin???

I have so many things that I want to blog about at this moment but I suppose that the I’ll begin with is a TTC update. I swear that the next blog with have little to do with hormones, injections, Wandy and timed sex.

I was going to write a blog about this IUI, number 4, being our hail mary pass for pregnancy, but the more I thought about it, the less sense it made. This is not our hail mary pass for pregnancy. This is just our hail mary pass for pregnancy before we leave Louisiana. I still fully believe that we will get our BFP, either this time or a time in the future. Since I made the decision to breathe in the positive and blow out the negative (thanks again, Circle+Bloom), I have continued to feel better and more at peace with this whole process. I didn’t cry once when I got a BFN and then AF last week. Let me rephrase that-I didn’t cry because of the BFN and AF but I did cry over other things (a subject for another blog post). I don’t feel desperate for pregnancy any more. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be pregnant and I want to be a Mommy but I refuse to let it define me any more.

One of the things I’ve done over the past few weeks is to read, for pleasure, again. I have read 2 books in 2 weeks (not including another 1 that I finished in those 2 weeks), listened to a book on tape on the drive home from Alabama and I am starting a new book tonight. (I am really thinking about doing book reviews on all the books I read-opinions?) I have 2 more books lined up to read and have decided to keep up with my GoodReads account. When I read, I read to get lost in a book. I don’t always read light hearted books. In general, I like non-fiction books more than fiction books. I like to learn about the world to open my mind and to educate myself. I cannot express how much I love reading books that have nothing to do with fertility issues, infertility cures, fertility diets, etc. Don’t get me wrong, those books are great and informative but I found that I was only reading those books and everything in my life-other than work-was once again starting to revolve around TTC, fertility challenges, RE appointments, etc. When I get that way, I am not pleasant to be around. Escaping in a good book is like a good drug to me 🙂

I have SUCKED at the whole working out for TTC. I bought a prenatal yoga video and have done it a couple of times but somehow snuggling in bed or on the couch with my husband is more tempting than exercise. I think that P is trying to get me back on track though-for Valentine’s Day he bought me a 2 year subscription to Yoga Journal. I am seriously stoked to get that and I am impressed that he was so thoughtful with the gift. Not that he’s not thoughtful, it just surprised me in a good way. It shouldn’t have surprised me, though-my first gift from him was the DVD Walk the Line. We had met once and had talked on the phone for 2 weeks. I had mentioned my love of Johnny Cash in one of our conversations and remarked that I’d not seen the movie. When I checked into the hotel, it was waiting for me. Anyway, back to me sucking at working out :-p My focus has been so much on TTC, relaxing and spending time with P that I’ve just let it slide. I swear, that I will change and improve. At least my eating is better.

Back to the TTC update 🙂 Had a date with Wandy yesterday (aka, an internal ultrasound) and I had ZERO cysts! My uterine lining looked great and I got the calendar with this month’s protocal-25mg of Femara last night, 100iu Follistim nightly for 5 nights starting tomorrow and 200mg of Prometrium (a form of progesterone) nightly starting the night after the IUI. Yes, that’s right, I have to take Prometrium again. That shit is straight from hell. I was a wreck on it the last time that I took it, and then I only took it for 2 days. This time I’ll be on it for 2 WEEKS! Yeah, I am not amused but apparently I need more than the 90mg of progesterone that Crinone was giving me. God help me (and anyone who has to interact with me) when I am on that devil medicine.

I feel like this has been a rambling blog post, which is kind of how my thoughts have felt lately. More blog posts to come…..

10 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

Flowing like the Mississippi

I swear, I don’t know what the heck is wrong with me. I cannot stop crying. It started today when I screwed up something in my upper back-the area of the protruding discs-while getting dressed/looking out the window. I laid down on my back, on Ranger’s $70 dog bed and cried with Ranger laying down beside me (he’s so protective and comforting).

Then it continued when I got to work, talked with the loan people and found out that because of the child support payments (for the child that we never see-yes, I’m bitter) and my lack of a job lined up in CO, we cannot get financing for a loan. Granted, I didn’t full out bawl but I got teary eyed and quickly got off the phone with the nice lady.

Got home, still frustrated over the no mortgage loan and increasingly frustrated over my lack of finding a job in what’s to soon be our home. Oh, and add to that the frustration of trying to find a pet friendly rental place (though thanks to Nave I have some leads on Craigslist), yeah not good. I started making some black bean soup for dinner (thank you PCOSChick and WaitingLisa for the recipe link) and ended up burning the beans because I forgot to add the broth before I simmered. Thankfully I ended up being able to pull it off but I was frustrated at my lack of concentration and at the fact that I forgot to buy the makings for cornbread. So yep, you guessed it-more tears.

We ate the soup-topped with mission chips, cheese and sour cream-and started to watch season 1 disc 1 of Alias. The first episode made me cry (I won’t tell why in case any of you readers want to watch the series from the beginning. Then I cried when her dad helped her. Seriously, it was ridiculous.

Then I glanced at my email and saw a message from my parents. I didn’t read it but from the title I know that it’s talking about us coming to see them. We were supposed to come see them this weekend but can’t due to lack of money and P possibly having to be called in to work. I burst into unstoppable tears. I miss my brothers and parents so freaking much. We never do anything terribly exciting when we get together (Momma’s in a wheelchair) but we have fun watching movies, eating and visiting. I miss them. For fuck’s sake, there I go again, bawling like a baby.

I want to go home and forget about moving, not getting the loan and most of all I want to forget about infertility and all that goes with it. That won’t be discussed there. I mean, they all know but my family is not the type to ask-they let me tell. They may ask “how are you” or “how are things” but never anything specific. I need to escape. I need to be a daughter and a sister-and that’s all-for just a bit. I want to play with my parent’s new puppy and have ZERO responsibility, for just a few days. But I can’t. Not now. Come hell or high water I will visit before my brother leaves again for the big sandbox.

I also came to my own decision about infertility tonight. Unless we can locate someone in CO who is considerably cheaper than what we’ve seen (approximately $20,000), we will not be doing IVF. I can’t do it. It makes me physically sick to think about it. P still wants to, I am standing firm. If needed, after the deployment we will ask the military to send us to an installation that does IVF or is close to one that does IVF. I cannot and will not go $20,000 into debt for IVF when I know that I can get it done at a fourth of the cost. And yep, cried while telling him this and after telling him. Not because he made me cry but because I feel totally and completely like I am letting him down. That’s my issue. He’s never made me feel that way.

And then to top it all off, saw a pregnancy announcement on FB. Salt in wound. Knife twisted. Can’t stop crying.

I’ve taken a muscle relaxer (for my back) and am drinking hot tea. I’m about to try out Circle Bloom’s free download to try to relax. Of yeah, P reminded me, in the middle of me crying in bed, that my stressing out is not good for trying to get pregnant. It seems that he really has been paying attention at some point in the the past 1072 days (yes, that’s how long we’ve been TTC). I know he’s right, just didn’t need to hear it tonight.

Time to try to relax and sleep. I have a brief at 0800 tomorrow. I don’t need puffy eyes while talking with soldiers. They won’t know what to do if I start crying. Actually, that might be pretty funny….

3 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

I’m neurotic.

Last night as I was laying in bed with my fan-fucking-tastic husband, I had a slight breakdown. I felt the familiar rush of anxiety-heart racing, increased breathing, spinning thoughts. Only this time it wasn’t about infertility, it was about deployment. Fuck, I hate that word. We haven’t even gotten to P’s new unit but we know (as well as you can “know” in the Army) that they are deploying next year. P is looking forward to it in a weird way because he wants to do his job again and because he needs another deployment for his career. I understand it but I am scared, so scared.

P’s last deployment was just a few months long with a special ops unit and I was in my own little bubble. I didn’t really know what he did. I didn’t know, until after he got home, how many close calls there were. Now I know the real danger and although it won’t be as bad because he will be in a regular Army unit (not that the reg Army isn’t in danger but it’s just different than special ops) the danger is still very real. I started thinking last night about how he will be gone for all the major holidays next year. At least he’ll be here for our anniversary.

Will we get pregnant before he leaves? Will he be able to be here for the birth if we do get pregnant? How the hell will I make it through my first winter in CO (I’m from AL and so not used to snow) without him? How will I be pregnant/give birth on my own? How will the dogs act while he’s gone for a year? Dear God, what will I do if he doesn’t come home?

Those are just some of the questions that went through my mind last night as I laid in bed. Tears running down my face, my head started spinning. Even typing this I have tears running down my face. I look at him and cannot imagine not having him for a year. I’m not worried about us as a couple-we can make it. We are strong, stubborn and committed. I just don’t want to do it. I know as an Army wife that I have to do it and I will do it. I will not feel sorry for myself when it happens and I know that I will make the best of it. It’s the anticipation and “what ifs” that suck.

So last night, with tears running down my face, I turned over and snuggled with P. Immediately my heartrate and breathing slowed. I started to calm down. I don’t know what it is about him, but he has that effect on me. The “what ifs” are still there, in the back of mind, nagging me. I’ve had this neurotic issue since I was a child. I used to have several sleepless nights before moving on to the next grade in school because I was worried that I couldn’t hack it. It’s not new to me and I know that it will pass but it’s not a fun thing.

So for now, today, I am focusing on how happy I am with him. If we don’t get pregnant before deployment, it’s ok because I still have him. He’ll come home to me in CO and we’ll continue to enjoy our wonderful life. We’ll snowboard. We’ll get tattoos. I’ll get piercings. We’ll explore CO. Hopefully, one day we’ll have little ones to share our life with, but until then I’m happy to share it with him, my fan-fucking-tastic husband.

5 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

Just when things were back to normal….

P is going to watch the guys compete in Best Ranger at Ft. Benning. I knew that he would probably go and of course he SHOULD go b/c he’s on the team (though injured) and b/c they’re his friends. He leaves tomorrow, comes back early next week and then goes to the box (JRTC-training soldiers to be deployed) to play terrorist for 5 days. It was like having him home was just a tease. And to top it off the weekend that we had together was not so great b/c we had a HUGE fight (over nothing) and I had to take a muscle relaxer (b/c of my back) which left me hungover for the rest of the weekend. Oh yeah, and to REALLY top it all off, just when he gets back his Dad (whom I love) is soming to stay for 7 days. So basically the only alone time I will get with my hubby will be during the military ball….but we wont REALLY Be alone b/c all those other damn soldiers and their wives/girlfriends/hookers will be there.

I just started reading The Infertility Cure-The Ancient Chinese Wellness Program for Getting Pregnant and Having Healthy Babies. Wow, I have A LOT of lifestyle changes ahead of me but so far what she, the author, is saying it makes sense. I’m only into the second chapter but I have gotten all teary eyed a couple of times just from the author’s encouraging words. I’ve long believed in alternative/Eastern medicine but have not had the chance to fully experience it. I plan to fully embrace this book and the lifestyle changes that it recommends. If nothing else it will prepare my body for an IUI/IVF in the next few months.

*If you think that Chinese medicine is a bunch of bullshit, please keep your comments to yourself. I have struggled to have a child for 27 months now. I have been on hormones that have driven me mad and others that have made me burst into tears. If I have a shot in hell of conceiving the natural way then I will do it. Unless you’ve been there you can’t possibly understand.

I woke up in a surly mood today for no apparent reason. I think no I know that I am jealous that P gets to go back to the land of civilization while I stay here in Shit Town. Why don’t I go with him you ask? Well, b/c a coworker just quit and only gave 5 days notice. My other coworker is going out of state next week so that leaves me as the only counselor in the office next….so I can’t take off. Also, I want to use my days later when P and I can go to Austin and enjoy ourselves. I don’t want to waste my days on driving to GA to see guys other than my husband compete. I mean, I love Amy’s hubby and all and I hope to hell that his team wins but I don’t love him enough to drive 20 hours round trip to see him. Although when they move to San Francisco I will gladly hop on a plane to see both of them 🙂

It’s not even 10AM. This day is S-L-O-W. I guess I’ll go read more of my book and then study some stuff for a class that I have to teach in a week and a half. That’s right, I’m getting more job responsibility and I love it 🙂

2 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized