Tag Archives: stress

I’m ok, really

I am better today. I feel good and right about the decision to not pay $20,000 on IVF if we don’t get pregnant before our move. Taking it off the table has left me feeling calmer about everything. I just cannot fathom getting out of debt (our plan for deployment) just to get into further debt for a 50% chance of having a child. I’ll be 35 when he gets home from deployment-still young enough to consider IVF if we need it. I’m also going to speak to someone about IVF at a military installation and total what the costs would be. I know that it would involve travel and lodging costs as well as loss of wages for me having to take time off work, so I’ll have to figure out if it’s worth it. I know that P is so ready for me to be pregnant, and so am I, but I am just not ready to commit so much money for a chance.

Since going to see my family this weekend is definitely off the table, we are looking at us (or at least me) visiting them next month. I know that I will aslo visit them at least twice (hopefully more) while P is deployed but I need to see them soon before my brother deploys. *Sigh* My husband and one brother deployed at the same time. If I’m not pregnant during that time I have a feeling that much wine will be consumed.

My husband, ever the optimist, keeps assuring me that I will find a job and we will be able to buy a home. I have decided that I am going to send resumes for every job that I am even remotely qualifed for and just hope for the best. If I don’t have a job 4 weeks out from our PCS date then I will start looking for a rental home and we will just rent again for the next 2 years. I’ve gotten some good leads on homes that accept pets and hopefully will get some more before the time comes to move.

I have had random teary eyed moments today but I think that is more due to the lack of sleep last night-stress and back pain-and the hangover effect of the muscle relaxer. I’m really ok, though all of my coworkers have noticed that I haven’t been myself yesterday or today and 3 of the 5 have specifically asked me if I’m ok. I am, I really am ok. I just need sleep and lots of it.

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Flowing like the Mississippi

I swear, I don’t know what the heck is wrong with me. I cannot stop crying. It started today when I screwed up something in my upper back-the area of the protruding discs-while getting dressed/looking out the window. I laid down on my back, on Ranger’s $70 dog bed and cried with Ranger laying down beside me (he’s so protective and comforting).

Then it continued when I got to work, talked with the loan people and found out that because of the child support payments (for the child that we never see-yes, I’m bitter) and my lack of a job lined up in CO, we cannot get financing for a loan. Granted, I didn’t full out bawl but I got teary eyed and quickly got off the phone with the nice lady.

Got home, still frustrated over the no mortgage loan and increasingly frustrated over my lack of finding a job in what’s to soon be our home. Oh, and add to that the frustration of trying to find a pet friendly rental place (though thanks to Nave I have some leads on Craigslist), yeah not good. I started making some black bean soup for dinner (thank you PCOSChick and WaitingLisa for the recipe link) and ended up burning the beans because I forgot to add the broth before I simmered. Thankfully I ended up being able to pull it off but I was frustrated at my lack of concentration and at the fact that I forgot to buy the makings for cornbread. So yep, you guessed it-more tears.

We ate the soup-topped with mission chips, cheese and sour cream-and started to watch season 1 disc 1 of Alias. The first episode made me cry (I won’t tell why in case any of you readers want to watch the series from the beginning. Then I cried when her dad helped her. Seriously, it was ridiculous.

Then I glanced at my email and saw a message from my parents. I didn’t read it but from the title I know that it’s talking about us coming to see them. We were supposed to come see them this weekend but can’t due to lack of money and P possibly having to be called in to work. I burst into unstoppable tears. I miss my brothers and parents so freaking much. We never do anything terribly exciting when we get together (Momma’s in a wheelchair) but we have fun watching movies, eating and visiting. I miss them. For fuck’s sake, there I go again, bawling like a baby.

I want to go home and forget about moving, not getting the loan and most of all I want to forget about infertility and all that goes with it. That won’t be discussed there. I mean, they all know but my family is not the type to ask-they let me tell. They may ask “how are you” or “how are things” but never anything specific. I need to escape. I need to be a daughter and a sister-and that’s all-for just a bit. I want to play with my parent’s new puppy and have ZERO responsibility, for just a few days. But I can’t. Not now. Come hell or high water I will visit before my brother leaves again for the big sandbox.

I also came to my own decision about infertility tonight. Unless we can locate someone in CO who is considerably cheaper than what we’ve seen (approximately $20,000), we will not be doing IVF. I can’t do it. It makes me physically sick to think about it. P still wants to, I am standing firm. If needed, after the deployment we will ask the military to send us to an installation that does IVF or is close to one that does IVF. I cannot and will not go $20,000 into debt for IVF when I know that I can get it done at a fourth of the cost. And yep, cried while telling him this and after telling him. Not because he made me cry but because I feel totally and completely like I am letting him down. That’s my issue. He’s never made me feel that way.

And then to top it all off, saw a pregnancy announcement on FB. Salt in wound. Knife twisted. Can’t stop crying.

I’ve taken a muscle relaxer (for my back) and am drinking hot tea. I’m about to try out Circle Bloom’s free download to try to relax. Of yeah, P reminded me, in the middle of me crying in bed, that my stressing out is not good for trying to get pregnant. It seems that he really has been paying attention at some point in the the past 1072 days (yes, that’s how long we’ve been TTC). I know he’s right, just didn’t need to hear it tonight.

Time to try to relax and sleep. I have a brief at 0800 tomorrow. I don’t need puffy eyes while talking with soldiers. They won’t know what to do if I start crying. Actually, that might be pretty funny….

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Just when things were back to normal….

P is going to watch the guys compete in Best Ranger at Ft. Benning. I knew that he would probably go and of course he SHOULD go b/c he’s on the team (though injured) and b/c they’re his friends. He leaves tomorrow, comes back early next week and then goes to the box (JRTC-training soldiers to be deployed) to play terrorist for 5 days. It was like having him home was just a tease. And to top it off the weekend that we had together was not so great b/c we had a HUGE fight (over nothing) and I had to take a muscle relaxer (b/c of my back) which left me hungover for the rest of the weekend. Oh yeah, and to REALLY top it all off, just when he gets back his Dad (whom I love) is soming to stay for 7 days. So basically the only alone time I will get with my hubby will be during the military ball….but we wont REALLY Be alone b/c all those other damn soldiers and their wives/girlfriends/hookers will be there.

I just started reading The Infertility Cure-The Ancient Chinese Wellness Program for Getting Pregnant and Having Healthy Babies. Wow, I have A LOT of lifestyle changes ahead of me but so far what she, the author, is saying it makes sense. I’m only into the second chapter but I have gotten all teary eyed a couple of times just from the author’s encouraging words. I’ve long believed in alternative/Eastern medicine but have not had the chance to fully experience it. I plan to fully embrace this book and the lifestyle changes that it recommends. If nothing else it will prepare my body for an IUI/IVF in the next few months.

*If you think that Chinese medicine is a bunch of bullshit, please keep your comments to yourself. I have struggled to have a child for 27 months now. I have been on hormones that have driven me mad and others that have made me burst into tears. If I have a shot in hell of conceiving the natural way then I will do it. Unless you’ve been there you can’t possibly understand.

I woke up in a surly mood today for no apparent reason. I think no I know that I am jealous that P gets to go back to the land of civilization while I stay here in Shit Town. Why don’t I go with him you ask? Well, b/c a coworker just quit and only gave 5 days notice. My other coworker is going out of state next week so that leaves me as the only counselor in the office next….so I can’t take off. Also, I want to use my days later when P and I can go to Austin and enjoy ourselves. I don’t want to waste my days on driving to GA to see guys other than my husband compete. I mean, I love Amy’s hubby and all and I hope to hell that his team wins but I don’t love him enough to drive 20 hours round trip to see him. Although when they move to San Francisco I will gladly hop on a plane to see both of them 🙂

It’s not even 10AM. This day is S-L-O-W. I guess I’ll go read more of my book and then study some stuff for a class that I have to teach in a week and a half. That’s right, I’m getting more job responsibility and I love it 🙂

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How do people do this???

I feel like my heart is going to beat right out of my chest. What if she changes her mind? I have been looking at baby stuff and even started a baby registry on Walmart’s website. What if it’s all for nothing? How do adoptive parents do this, waiting for the birth mother to give birth and then sign papers? Seriously, I only slept 6 hours last night and I cannot keep food in my stomach.

I have been researching all morning (thank you, Becca for letting me borrow the laptop) and I have figured out that LA doesn’t do the guardianship thing but that we can file for relative adoption here. Literally all R has to do is sign a consent for us to adopt and then we do the rest. There is no home evaluation (b/c we are family) but there is a waiting period for finalization and background checks. Of course, R has to agree to all of this which I really pray will happen. In order to give S everything she needs and deserves we really need to adopt her. We want an open adoption with R and we of course would not cut off contact with her.

I need to relax and not stress but I can’t help it. My house is a mess and it must be cleaned today. The dogs must be played with and I need to shower. Seriously wish my husband was home with me to help with all of this….

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……

AF came today. Not pregnant for the 25th time. Infertility is exhausting.

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