Day by Day…..

I haven’t gone a day without crying.

I haven’t gone a day without praying that it wasn’t true.

Some days I am hopeful and hopeless at different times on the same days.

Everyday I am terrified that FET will not work.

Everyday I thank God for my family, friends and especially my amazing husband who makes me feel supported all the way from Afghanistan.

I have a plan because, well….plans make me feel better and more in control. I have become a BeachBody coach and plan to work through P90X (for a second time, love it!) and then Insanity so that I can get in shape and lose the IUI/IVF weight that I’ve gained over the past 2 years. I really want to make my BeachBody business work so that we can become debt free and so that we can save up money for future infertility treatments. My goal this week is to get through all the BB training so that I can really get started in this. For me, it’s not just about making money; it’s also about helping people improve their lives and get healthy. Here are my sites (so far) http://beachbodycoach.com/esuite/home/liberalgranola (My BeachBody page) and http://myshakeology.com/esuite/home/liberalgranola (my Shakeology page). I drink the chocolate Shakeology everyday and I freaking love it! Look for more posts on here about me getting in shape and helping others 🙂

My health/fitness goal is to lose 2 dress sizes, which will get me back to where I was before starting injectable infertility medications. It is a totally do-able goal for me. Also I’ll be smokin’ hot for P when he returns from deployment 🙂

I realize that there is no way that I can do FET without P here. Doing this fresh IVF cycle without him here, while being solely responsible for the kiddos was way too stressful. I have my WTF appt with the RE next month and I plan to talk to him about FET in detail, including letting him know my reasons for waiting. This failed IVF cycle has just been so emotionally and physically draining….I now know that I need P here with me for support.

I could not have gotten through this without the amazing support from my friends online. Seriously, y’all are a lifeline to me. Yo have people who understand, support me and don’t judge me is so wonderful. I love y’all.

Not pregnant

Beta was negative. I am devastated. I can’t stop crying. I am terrified to do FET, which won’t happen til P gets home (my choice).

To all my friends, you are amazing. The love & words of support mean more than I can ever explain ❤

Wordless Wednesday

This is what I am envisioning everyday ❤

4dp5dt

For those of you who think that one of the kids or furbabies typed the title, that’s 4 days post 5 day transfer 😀

My boss ordered me to not come into work today-she wants me to have another day of bed rest. So I took the kiddos to preschool and I am camped out on the couch 🙂 My plan today is TV, snuggling with dogs, napping and eating. Oh, and trying not to obsess about this whole IVF thing…..

So here in the spirit of not obsessing, here’s what’s been going on since the 5dt 🙂 I have been exhausted and hungry like all the time! I am sure that a lot of me being tired is due to the progesterone supplement but the appetite, I have no idea. My boobs are sore and huge (thank you progesterone) and I am peeing more during the night. I’ve had a couple of bouts of random nausea and I am craving steak and baked potatoes like every day. I also had cramping on and off yesterday and one weird cramping episode that actually woke me up at 0330 in the morning. I am praying that those were implantation pains.

So yeah….I am remaining super hopeful and praying literally all the time that this is our cycle. I go for my bets test next week, right before P’s birthday…a BFP with a strong beta number would be the best present ever!

Mommy Mondays (a new idea for this blog)

I want to start Mommy Mondays on this blog, in an effort to blog regularly again and in an effort to reconnect with my blogging friends 🙂

Having recently become a Mommy via guardianship of the sis in law’s kids, I have a full appreciation of how difficult parenting is…especially when doing it alone (P won’t be back until the summer). I love the children and the bonding is going MUCH better but wow, there are definite challenges. On Mommy Mondays I want to focus on all things relating to parenting. I am thinking that I will obsess write about one parenting “thing” (sorry, I am too exhausted to think of a better word) per week on here. If there’s ever anything that you want to see me write about or that you just think would be a good topic, please comment on any post and let me know 🙂

I want to share a bit about the bonding/attaching that we’ve been working on here in our home. As y’all might remember things were rough here in the beginning. I am happy to report that things are MUCH better around here, I think due in a major way to my no longer being on the evil lu.pron. We have a night time routine now-15 to 30 minutes of cartoons while I make dinner; eat dinner; take baths; read a story and then bed time. That routine works 90% of the time, though sometimes SB (2.5 yr old niece) still has a meltdown when she gets in the bed. J (1 yr old nephew) rarely cries at bed time any more, unless he decides that he wants to stay up and play with the furbabies 🙂

SB is also seeking me out for hugs and sitting on my lap during Friday Night Family Movie and Pizza night. Her newest thing is to blow kisses to me or just come up to me for kisses ❤ She also runs to me when I pick her up from preschool saying “Mommy hug”….yeah, she’s a charmer 🙂 J’s face lights up when I come into his classroom and he immediately wants me to pick him up. He has also started having baby nightmares which is awful but he *does* calm down when I comfort him.

For the past couple of weekends, we haven’t really done anything fun because I have had IVF appointments, which for me are 2.5 hrs of driving round trip. This coming weekend I have decided that we will go shoe shopping for all 3 of us, walk around the mall a bit and then go see my friend, S, at BWW on her lunch shift 🙂 We are also going to go to church which is sure to be an adventure 😉

So what to you do to promote bonding/attachment in your children?

We have 1 snowbaby!!!

The clinic called today to update me on our one remaining embaby. The embryologist said that it looked great, graded it at a AA (the highest/best) and said that they are able to freeze it! I. AM. SO. HAPPY 🙂

PUPO!!!

I now have 2 embabies in me 🙂 Everyone at Conceptions was super optimistic and wonderful today-the nurse even hugged me as I left.

We have the possibilty of freezing 1 embaby-the other 3 didn’t make it. I am praying that these 2 embabies stick & that our other one makes it to freezing.

I have to give a shout out to my Twitter friends. They have been amazing. To y’all, I love ya & I’m praying that all of us who are PUPO or in the 2ww get our BFPs and healthy babies ❤

This time tomorrow…..

I will be PUPO! I cannot believe it. My best work friend is keeping the babes tomorrow and I have arranged play/diaper/sleeping areas in the TV room for my couch rest time. Tomorrow morning I will make baked oatmeal and poppy seed chicken casserole so that I don’t have to stand on my feet on actually cook 🙂 Movies have been rented through RedBox and we also have plenty available On Demand (free) and in our DVD collection. The house is clean and most of the laundry is done….so I think that I am ready for tomorrow.

Now I am praying that this works and we have a new baby or two in the fall 🙂

In 48 hours…..

I will be PUPO! I am so excited and scared. I wish that P was here for all of this. Depending on other people (besides him) makes me nervous and generally uncomfortable.

Our 6 embabies are doing fine as of yesterday ❤ They are all average to high quality and I won't get another update on them until the morning of the transfer. I am praying that all is well and that we get a healthy baby from this IVF cycle.

Ugh, and now I'm crying again. Damn hormones!

And then there were 6

I had my egg retrieval this morning and the RE got 6 eggs. P’s swimmers looked great after thawing and the embryologist was optimistic. My friend, Brittany, took me for the ER and watched the kids….yeah, they had to come with us since we got some snow and the preschool had a late open of 8am. She took them to McD’s to play while I was there. From the time I got there until I was released was about 90 min. I do very well with the twilight anasthesia 🙂

So now we wait and pray that they fertilize and that we end up with a healthy baby. I cannot thank y’all enough for all of the support through out all of this….seriously, I could not do it without y’all.